Diets to Die for

I am gonna let you in on a secret. I am overweight. It's a secret so don't tell anyone. So I decided there's too much of me to love. So once my stupid back is all healed up I am gonna exercize. Dieting is supid but I am gonna eat healthier again. Anyway so I was thinking of ways to do that. As if it requires any real thought to eat vegatables and not candy.

Seriously why are there so many diets out there? So I thought I'd jump on the diet making up bandwagon. Statistics show that whichever one you choose doesn't really matter in the end anyway so feel free to pick one at random.

I am positive that they would be successful for anyone. I base this on absolutely no research. These are some good ways to thin out that herd. Many are designed to reduce your desire to eat. Try the slap diet and you'll see what I'm talking about.

The Carrot Diet Not what you're thinking. Or maybe it is. Eat whatever you normally eat (unless its straight butter). But here's the catch, you have to have a carrot stick before each bite. Carrot stick, bite of pizza. Carrot stick, bite of pizza. You get the idea. Hopefully you'll be so sick of carrots that you won't eat much.

The Chain Diet You need a helper for this one. Your lover/friend/worst enemy chains you up to a device and brings you only healthy food. This works best for people that work at home. This could also be the trapped in the basement diet for more freedom to exercise.

The Sucker Punch Diet When you have had enough to eat but don't know you've had enough, either punch yourself in the gut or have a "friend" do it for you. You won't want seconds.

The Slap Diet this is a variation of the sucker punch diet. Instead of getting sucker punched after firsts, you get slapped for ever non healthy thing you eat. Is that brownie worth it? Either way it's gonna end in tears.

The Sprint Diet Before any meal you have to sprint around a track until you feel like vomiting. You won't eat too much after that. It also helps to think about how many sprints you'll have to do in order to burn off those stupid French fries, fatty.

The Water Diet Before eating anything, drink a whole bottle of water. It takes up a bunch of space. Simple and easy to follow. Plus it has lots of added water drinking benefits. I have nothing funny to say about this diet but you should try it anyway.