Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Eats, Poops, and Leaves

One of my most favorite books is Eats, Shoots, and Leaves by the honourably British Lynn Truss. It's all about poor punctuation. I am all about that too. So then the other day when I saw this adorable Poo Poo Panda pictured below, I had to get in on that:


Awesome yeah? Yeah. It ate, it shot, it left.


But did you notice the panda in the background pic? He looks really surprised for some reason. Yeah his face is right in the heart of it all. Weird!

Bowser Family Tree

In response to my friend's blog about the mysterious Bowser family, I will now provide the answers he seeks.

Where did King Koopa get these seven spawn plus an eighth? Who is their mama? Is Bower's name really Morton?

First of all, those 7 Koopa Kids are all from Bowser's harem or from women (koopas) on the side, obviously all born to different mothers, as the hair color and height and width of each child shows us. This explains Morton Jr.'s name, and why he can't be called Bowser Jr. Meanwhile Bowser actually had a legitimate child named Bowser Jr. with the unseen Queen Koopa. Then Bowser devoured her once he had his heir. Now he is free to marry Princess Peach and legally claim the Mushroom Kingdom by doing so. He may be lots of things, but Bowser is no polygamist. This is why Bowser Jr. is the favored koopaling over those other seven.

And those "kids" are accomplices in kidnapping. They should be tried as adults.

Oh and about that Mega Man question. His guns run on acid alien blood, so he must dispose of them properly after every adventure, you know like batteries, motor oil, or baby vomit.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Christmas Song Blog

Once they started with the X-Mas music I decided it was time to say goodbye to NPR until the New Year. Maybe it was a mistake to start listening to Christmas music on November 1st. Because it's been two weeks and I already want to rip my teeth out and cram them in my ears. Still I made a commitment and I am in this 'til the big day.

As you can imagine, after hearing some of these songs over and over, I started thinking about the lyrics, and it got me really thinking about those lyrics.

They literally play the same songs every hour. So that gets old pretty fast. I have yet to hear "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" (the best song ever) and only heard "Happy Christmas" once but they play the most performed Christmas song ever (literally) at least once an hour. You would think they play it so often, that it was in fact the only Christmas song. It is a pretty decent song but how about this line: "I'm offering this simple phrase to kids from 1 to 92. . .Merry Christmas to you." So this song totally flips the bird (in a pear tree no doubt) to infants and centenarians.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. The song begins by saying you know Dasher and Donna and Bliztkrieg and Nixon, "but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?" If he were actually the most famous and we knew those other flying venison, wouldn't we know Rudolpho? Yeah thought so. And what is the deal with this guy's nose? Is it glowing or shiny? It's "red-nosed" and "shiny," so shiny in fact "that you would even say it glows." Would I be right to say that? I still don't know. So what is so great about a shiny/glowing nose? You could probably just get any old lamp that would work just as well (AKA poorly). If Santa did that then all the other lamps would shout out with glee.

I know I will be thought dumb for this last one. When I was a kid I remember hearing "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" and thinking that kid's mom was some sort of major slutty butt. "What a laugh it would have been if daddy had only seen [it]?" Adultery is always good for a guffaw. No wonder Michael Jackson is so messed up after this traumatic ordeal. It wasn't until just last week upon hearing it, that I realized the dad was Santa. Of course as a dumb kid, I thought the mom was a tickle-cheater, but this is only because every other Christmas song makes the assumption that Santa is real. Stupid media and its mixed messages.

I will end by offering a simple phrase to kids age 2 to 54 1/2, merry X-Mas to you and yours. And for no reason here is Alvin and Wham! (so very 80s).

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Zombies Helping Zombies

So every night my wifey turns into a Zombie Nightmare. Not the zombies from Romero films but more like those voodoo zombies. She doesn't say much but follows my commands without thought. I have to command her to put her contacts away and go to bed. She roams around the apartment like the walking dead. Go to bed! Her only response is a series of grunts.

Every morning my wife is up super early but I can't manage to get moving. I am like a roaming undead zombie searching for either my brains or car keys. I feel like this fellow below:


I don't know how Rachel ever got to bed before she married me. I assume she just slept wherever she happened to be at 10:30pm. And I have no idea how I ever got dressed for work without her (I hope I wore clothes to work). We are like two oppositely oriented zombies helping each other a la Ladyhawke (minus the Mouse and also we're zombies).

Monday, November 1, 2010

My Halloween “Costume”

So as mentioned, I had the "idea" of being scare quotes for my Shalloween "costume" this year. So here it is for your viewing "pleasure."

If you don't know what scare quotes are, then here is a definition from the free online "encyclopedia" Wikipedia ("perfect" examples are used throughout this "blog" post):

Scare quotes are quotation marks placed around a single word or phrase to indicate that the word or phrase does not signify its literal or conventional meaning. In contrast to the nominal typographic purpose of quotation marks, the enclosed word(s) are not necessarily quoted from another source.




Also the quotes on the back are "scary" quotes not actual scare quotes but I was making a pun so don't get confused by thinking too hard about this.