I Need Redemption from Shawshank

So the Shawshank Redemption in one of my favorite movies. It is about hope. It's funny, dramatic, and inspiring. So the other night Rachel and I were looking at movies to watch on Netflix; I said "oh, I love the Shawshank Redemption. It's one of my favorite movies."

I then say "it's based on a Stephen King novella, or novelette or whatever it's called. [The opening credits call it a short novel. Probably because people are too dumb to know what a novella is]." Then I point out that it is not a scary movie but a hope inspiring tale.

She says, "if it is one of your favorite movies let's watch it." She asks what it's about. I summarize it as a prison break movie about a guy who was framed for a murder he didn't commit akin to the Count of Monte Cristo, which she has never seen either (she hasn't seen 99.99% of movies). I should point out that I have seen this movie about a bajillion times because TNT shows it hourly. But I have only seen it on TNT. Apparently TNT edits out a lot of F words. . .who knew?

So after three minutes (and 500 curse words) into the movie, here is a sex scene I don't recall. Fast forward. Five minutes into the movie, a fat guy is brutally beaten to death. Rachel is crying and can't watch. She is turned away. So I suck. Teary eyed she pleads to keep "watching" with her back turned since it is one of my favorite movies. So if you haven't seen this movie it has a happy ending which could be summed up by the brilliant narration of Morgan Freeman (seriously he was born to narrate http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2BzLf2jwIM) "Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of [s word] smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want to. Five hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile." See most of the movie is that foulness then comes the happy part. But I don't think my little Rachie could handle 5 football fields of foulness (pssst I am speaking in metaphors).

I am not a total jerk so I turned it off despite her wailing not to. No wonder Netflix makes recommendations based on my interest in "violent films." Now I need redemption from this emotional trauma I forced on her. Did I mention how much I suck?

 

Feeling a Lil’ Groggy

So I was a little sick this weekend. I was in a hurry this morning to make my lunch and scuttle off to work on time. I ran into the bathroom to take some Dayquil, you know "the get you through your day medicine." As you know from my previous blog post Nyquil and Dayquil have some key differences. One tastes good and one is gross. One keeps you alert while the other makes you sleepy. Anyway the lights were off and I was in a hurry so I was sure surprised to find how delicious Dayquil tasted. Then I realized no! I took Nyquil. FYI Nyquil is the "so you can rest medicine." Now I am tired and want to sleep but I have to work. I am feeling a lil' groggy today.

Bad Luck Potluck

K so the other day we had a St. Patrick's potluck at work. Yea potlucks! I brought wheat rolls. Thursdays are a half day for me so I come in at 11:30 usually but the potluck was scheduled at 11 so I hurried in to get there ASAP. I arrived a little after 11 into the office. I didn't bother checking email or even my calendar info. I went to the conference room where the previous month's potluck was held. I saw a bunch of people milling around chatting who look fairly familiar. More importantly I recognized a table filled with a smorgasbord of goods brought from home (many an unnatural shade of green). Random food items on table = potluck.

I put my rolls down and started loading my plate up with cannelloni, salad, and delicious vittles. I almost got to the green chocolate ball things when someone I didn't know approached me and said, "are you in the right potluck?"

I was in the wrong one. My potluck was on the sixth floor. She let me keep my plate as I slithered silently off to my desk where I quickly devoured my first plate. Then I found the "real" potluck and explained "sorry I am late. I went to the wrong potluck."

Someone asked me if I had had enough and I said, "no I am saving room. I have another potluck after this one." I probably owe my bad luck to not being Irish. Bad luck and stupidity.

I Need Practice Being Funny

So I just spoke to my father. We're reaaaal close as this following interaction will demonstrate. I called him to get his address to send a wedding announcement (yes he already knew I was engaged). He lives in Las Cruces, New Mexico. He explained that Las Cruces meant the crosses. Then he commented on me not knowing my heritage. I said "My Scottish heritage?" That is a joke. For those of you who don't know, I am half Mexican and my white side (the side I publically claim) goes back to Scotland. He said no (as if I were totally stupid) and said, "No your Spanish heritage. Las Cruces is Spanish."

Then he said "¿Cómo te llamas?"

To which I speedily replied, "También!"

He pointed out that was completely wrong and that he asked what my name was. I timidly explained, "I know. I was making a joke. I do that sometimes."

He said "Oh you're not very good at it then. But it's because you don't do it very often. You need practice."

Triple digit ouch! So apparently I don't joke often enough and as a result am terrible at it. I am too serious and that is fo' sho'. I need practice. Can someone help me?

 

Let me try a joke:

I will start us off and you provide the missing funny lines. How about a priest and rabbit joke? People like those right?

 

So a rabbit and a priest go into a bar. The rabbit sits down next to priest and says (1)"_______________."

The priest (2. Verb) _________ and (3. Verb)______________ all over the (4. Noun)________.

Then the (4)__________ and (5)_____________ does this thing and then (6)_______________.

Some stuff happens and then the priest says "are you kosher!"

Made-up Matchup Round 2

You all know the rules. Match the made-up definition to the made-up word from the random word maker thingy when you post comments on Blogspot. Losers get thrown in the pit of dysrwo. Winners get nothing. Put the kids to bed for this edition because things are gonna get PG-13.

 

1. Unpeck

2. Peepica

3. Zonchrol

4. Comenera

 

A. A spice you never want to use. Ever

B. A photography related STD

C. To Indian give a kiss

D. A sleeping medicine with high alcohol content

Follow the Happy Trail

So I was just reading an article about how Lucas and Spielbergo are working on the next Indiana Jonsey flick and how disappointing the latest one was (Indian Jones and the Aliens that Taught People to Farm Well but then Decided to Leave Except they Couldn't Because they Were Made of Crystal and they Lost One of their Glass Noggins). They should have just called it Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Clichés from George Lucas' Childhood. So I was thinking that I had kept my hopes low even though the trailer for Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Blah Blah
Blah was really awesome.

I was also thinking how awesome a lot of trailers are from movies that end up being big let downs. Case in point X-men Origins: Wolverine. Despite the stupid title (what is wrong with just calling it Wolverine?) I thought it was gonna be awesome. It was so-so. It had some good gut gutting and Gambit but for the most part disappointing. Now that I am writing this, I kind of want to watch the Wolverine trailer again. It's pretty bad-bottomed when he jumps out of his electric bathtub and gets all angry and clawish and slashy. Then he leaps all slow-mo onto a helicopter from an exploding Hummer. Why did I need to see the movie? The trailer had everything I wanted.

So here is why trailers are infinitely better than any actual movie could be.

1) They take the best parts of the movie and send them at us all lickety-split. So we are thinking whoa this movie is exciting (as if we were Keanu Reeves in a Shakespeare film).

2) There are no boring parts. AKA opening title credits. Only the pure actiony awesomeness.

3) They have no wasted dialogue. They tell only the funny jokes and coolest lines.

4) They are short! Yes in today's modern quick-quick-quick workaday whirlwind world we live in, who has more than 3 minutes to watch a movie that is probably not gonna live up to the hype anyways.

5) Trailers improve on the story. How many times has a carefully edited trailer tricked you into thinking it was about monsters when the movie didn't have nay a monster at all? A little misleading sure, but you can't be disappointed with the film unless the trailer rewrite was in fact better than the "real" movie.

6) Different versions = variety. Because different trailers have different parts they are like watching different movies. Awesome. If variety is the spice of life then the pre-movie previews are like gumbo. Yumbo.

My theory is this. It's all about the motivation. Directors are thinking either about their own artistic aspirations (stupid childhoods from the 50s) or how they can get their paws on the Oscar. Trailer makers are all about pleasing us. They want to get us to absolutely love the trailer so we will see the movie no matter how awful the full length reel is (reel poopy). So they have to make a good product; they just have to. Trailers make me happier than any full length movie could. If only we could convince the trailer makers to make movies we would have some real art.

Lukewarm Fusion for 2015

Everyone is always talking about creating cold fusion because hot fusion, regular fusion, or whatever "scientists" [scare quotes added for "humorous" superfluous insult] call it is too darn hot to heat my house and cook my TV dinner without cooking me. Here are the possible solutions I discovered through hours of research.

1) All we need are long mechanical arms. Spiderman 2 is a great source of wisdom on this.

Pros: Can manipulate tiny suns

Cons: Causes villainy in scientists (but what doesn't these days)

 

2) We can man up and face the heat. In K19-Widowmaker, these guys walked right into that chamber and made things happen. It only costs them their lives as they died slow painful deaths.

Pros: Gets things done

Cons: You will run out of Russian engineers pretty quickly. Luckily there is a surplus of those right now.

 

3) Why are we going straight for cold? Just look at the huge leap scientists are trying to make on this scientific-looking scale I made up.

Temperature gaugometer:

Really freaking hot (AKA the sun, Hades, Arizona)

Real hot

Hot (Some Like It Hot)

Warm

Lukewarm

Lukecool (Cool Hand Luke)

Cool

Cold

Real darn cold (Your Tauntaun will freeze before you reach the first marker)

 

Pros: Slow and steady wins the race

Cons: I want to go to the moon today!

 

Are you listening University of Utah? This is the real solution. Baby steps. I say let's try for lukewarm fusion in 2015! We got this. You just need to pace yourselves, scientists. Remember, the Tower of Babel wasn't built in a day.