The 5 People You Will Meet in Hades

Everyone thinks when they get to heaven (as if) they will mingle with celebs like Gandhi and Mussolini and Steven Seagal (as if).

Note: an easy way to remember how to spell Seagal: mermaid = sea gal.

Well they are too busy for you (except sea gal maybe because he is technically alive even if his career is basking in Tartarus). If they have eternity does that make their time any less valuable? They don't pan on meeting every fan and chatting it up for eons like old pals. I know I don't plan on meeting a billion strangers just because I will have the time. Not when I could be doing what I want, racing dinosaurs.

Besides what if you don't make it to heaven? Like anthropomorphized Nazi-esque hyenas about to commit regicide, be prepared.

If heaven's high rollers are too biz-ay for you, the same goes for heck's do badders. You think Big Papa H has time to kiss every unbaptized baby and shake hands with every jerk who failed to report garage sale income on their tax return? Don't plan on spending all your time kicking it with FDR (stole from the rich) and Mark Twain either (the dude lied about his name).

So at last here are the five people you will actually meet in hell.

1) The guy that invented car alarms that just make irritating noises. How did this guy profit off that??

2) The first guy to discover you could club a baby seal to death. He is a real jokster. You might also meet the first guy who learned you could club baby seals for profit.

3) George Lucas. Where do you think the idea for Howard the Duck came from (and is burning)? The inferno of course.

4) Julie Powell. Man she sucks. I actually look forward to visiting her there (briefly). Because she sucks. I just need to confirm said darnation with me own peepers. She sucks.

5) And for some reason that guy that killed Julius Caesar for some reason. Don't ask me why. This is all I learned from my college degree. Yay English majors.