Someone Call 9-11

Please be advised, the following is sharp satire regarding sensitive issues from 9 years ago that may be "too soon" to comment on without being hated by real Americans. If you experience a sensitivity emergency, call 9-11.

So my fellow conservatives are up in arms about the actual terrorists who attacked the World Trade Center that want to build their Victory Death to America Shrine and Community Center (that is the best translation of the devil's tongue they're using) around the corner from where the sacred ruble of 9-11 used to be—er—wait they weren't the same guys? This just in: the actual terrorists are either dead or hiding in a cave or harassing other Islims to join them with scare tactics. Hmm. But they funded the terrorists cold hard cash though, I am sure. Wait they didn't? They're not actually affiliated with terrorism at all you say? But they have the same skin color surely. Close enough! Brown is bad (except for me; that's OK).

And they practice the same religion as the 9-11 terrorists, right? Just like all Christians believe the exact same things. Every Christian celebrates Christmas by killing a tree and every Islim celebrates Ramada Inn with a bang. All Islims have the same creed (probably in the Koran somewhere), kill white Americans and replace them with Islimic extremists (then they do that funny scream with their tongue).

Oh they like America? Well we can fix that can't we? Nothing a little spit in the face won't cure. A couple of hurtful signs should do the trick. Maybe the middle finger will set them straight. They need to know there are certain areas Islims just aren't welcome. Like the sacred business district, shrine to capitalism. It's holy ground.

Plus they want to destroy an historical landmark to build their Die America Die Victory Mosque. I assume they are going to van-bomb it with people inside (it's cheaper than an airplane). Wait a second here, the building is a dumpy piece-o-crap that was only built up to sound awesome by people biased enough to lie to get the building declared historically significant (AKA Islim free).

Still I don't like these Islims building their domes anywhere they want. They built one in Jerusalem and look how that turned out! Next thing you know they will want to sit in the front of the bus. That's reserved for Christians, Jews, non-Islimic African Americans, cats but not dogs, old people, veterans of popular wars, gym teachers, Asians, and movie stars. I am NOT sharing my bubbler with a terrorist.

Actually I think we would be better served to keep all terroristy looking people at least twelve blocks away from Ground Zero at all times. As the conservs point out, it makes some people cry to see an Islim (probably should get rid of airports, airplanes, and tall buildings too because it might be too reminiscent of that fateful day). I know how they feel. Clowns make me sad. If I could, I would keep every circus at least six blocks from me at all times.

Ground Zero needs a restraining order on Middle Easterners. Creepers stalking around corners talking about "reconciliation." It's an abusive cycle really. Therefore, all Islims (by ethnicity or religion because they cause the waterworks either way) should be required to wear a crescent star armband at all times. This will assure separate (very separate) but equal (some more equal) segregation. And to keep track of who is a trouble maker, we should keep detailed lists of them on file at all times.

You know what, that actually sounds complicated. Screw it; I have a better idea. We should set aside a reservation for them where we can "concentrate" them all in one area.

You can read all about it in my new book about my struggle, called My Struggle. It's mostly about why all our problems are caused by Islims and why every Islim is a direct contributor to the 9-11 tragedy.