Long Time No Blog

The most overused blog cliché is "sorry I haven't written/blogged in a while/lately."

Well I am too original for that.

And I am not sorry either.

I also hate the phrase long time, no see. It is supposed to be Native American or something. I don't know but it doesn't sound like a native speaker to me (at least not in this country).

All I have to say is that I replaced my iPatch with sunglasses.

I hate wearing them. I feel like a phony. And I just know people are judging me for wearing them in the grocery store and at night.

I guess I shouldn't mind, because we both know I am judging the heck out of them.

Long time, no bloggy.

Oll Korrect

Yes I had a job interview today.

No I wouldn't recommend going to an interview hopped up on narcotics and steroids.

Yes I walked in sporting my nifty (stupid) eye patch.

Yes I am super sick of having to wear it but the uncomfortable darkness is better than the painful brightness.

Yes I sat facing the window and four people and one on the phone during the interview.

No pressure.

Yes I did cry afterward, but only in my ill eye I promise.

Yes I did ask questions.

No I didn't ask good ones.

Yes I am qualified.

No I am not sure I proved it.

Yes the future of my career rests on the success of a hazy drugged up interview.

Yes I do want to be a weekend janitor the rest of my life.

Yes I know this post isn't at all funny.

Yes I am sorry about that.

Yes I think everything will be oll korrect.

Care for the Foodless

So the homeless huh? That a tough one. They are without brick and mortar to call their own. They have no place of residence. OK but what the real issue is (or most relevant issue) is more of a dietary nature. A roof is a luxury, at least in non-winter times. Either way it's a moot point because I don't have a bunch of extra houses in my pocket. I'm not made of wooden frames and windows people.

But they can live (at least temporarily) without a house. They can also live without stuff, junk, things, property, possessions, and belongings. They can live without goods, clutter, and "crap." They can live without ribbons. They can live without tags. They can live without packages, boxes, or bags!

But what they need is food, food for hungry bellies. So what if they have no houses. Yes I feel bad, but I can't get them a house and no offense, but as bad as I feel, I am not letting some stinky possibly insane vagabond stay in my apartment where he can strangle my wife all night while I run away in terror.

But food. Food is relatively cheap. They need it more than anything.

I have means to procure it. I don't think a Royale with Cheese is too much to ask.

Here is the problem though. In my experience, I have seen supposed foodless people turn down food at the bequest of money. I heard a guy once tell my friend he wouldn't take her lobster tail because he couldn't handle that fancy stuff, but then asked for money. Too good for lobster?!

But I figure why not give 'em money if you got it. If they are gonna spend it on liquor, then they probably need a good vacation away from their memories. If I were them I would probably need a fix too. Either way, I think hey, I probably gave a fraud a few bucks but it's a good deal for me. For a few dollars I bought a clear conscience.

He gets what he wants. I get what I want. That's capitalism my friend.

But since my subconscious knows I gave money to a fraud, I still have to donate to the food bank, so my subconscious is clear.

Now if I can only buy a clear unconscious.

Happy Look like a Pirate Day!

This a picture of me wearing my nifty iPatch. Why would I be sporting a nifty iPatch you say? It has nothing to do with this weekend's eye water boarding fun; technically, yes it does because it keeps me from crying and having headaches but nonetheless, today marks the first annual Look like a Pirate Day! Hooray!

Yep it's that time again (for the first time). Save your poor pirate lingo for Talk like a Pirate Day; this holiday focuses on pirate garb. Dust off your old Halloween costumes and bust out your typical pirate paraphernalia: parrots (or parakeets if you that's all you got), wooden appendages, monkeys (with or without cute cymbals and vest), plastic swords and flint lock pistols, temporary tattoos, and of course hook hands. Oh and you mustin't forget the iPatch (boasting one for both eye makes you look twice as piratical).

So enjoy the day swabbing the deck matey, or whatever pirates do. Go get ye some Spanish doubloons to add to your booty.

Eye Water Boarding

So for the last few days my right eyeball felt like it was about to reach critical mass and go Chernobyl all over this place. So I agreed to go to the InstaCare, only because I thought I would earn me a sweet eye patch to wear (arrrrrrrr matey!) which it didn't. Basically I was lured to the hospital under worst kind of pretenses, false ones.

Care at InstaCare is hardly insta, especially considering they are too hurried to spell that last nt. But it was quick enough. The doctor prescribed a heavy dose of steroids for my eye. He apparently wants to pump my eye up. Great, now my eye will have to drop out of the Ocular Olympics.

So Rachel had to "administer" the eye drops. In a nutshell, eye drops are water boarding for the eye. I would have told her anything to get her to stop, including revealing the hidden rebel base of any number of rebel groups. Dantooine, they're on Dantooine! I shouted to deaf ears.

But the sadist didn't even ask any questions.

Couldn't she see that my eyes wouldn't stay open because they don't want to drown in steroid juices!

Many tears later, she finally finished her routine torturous "treatment."

And she laughed through the entire procedure. What part of me flailing about like a three-year-old and whimpering like a hurt puppy is funny?

In conclusion, I feel eye water boarding should be reserved for only the worst enemy combatants.

“I Hate Cheeseburgers”

You know, crazies are no longer cuckoo for just Cocoa Puffs. You know some "people" are now cuckoo for racism. You know they are racistists, ready to label any animal, vegetable, or mineral (sometimes even people) as racist.

You know, some moron blogged a clip of Shirley Sherrod, you know, giving the appearance of a racist looking story. You know Fox News published the moron's clip as-is without an ounce of research. You know, Barracki Obami fired someone based on this "news" coverage. You know, it must have been a slow day for factual stories.

You know, I have plenty of disagreements with President Barrack Insane Obama. You know, this week my biggest criticism of him: he got his news from Fox News. You know, that was a dumb thing to do. You know they hate him. You know they (including Obama) didn't even do 44 minutes of research before posting the story. You know it takes 1 minute to do a Google search and 43 minutes to watch a whole speech. You know Fox could have had an intern watch it between runs to Starbucks. You know Obama could have had one of his frisky little aides do it. You know he could have appointed a YouTube Czar to watch it.

You know here is the best part, there is a whole speech that no one bothered to listen to until after they forced Sherrod to quit (I believe the word is fired), not even the idiotic CNN pundits (sorry for the redundancy). You know, I don't agree with many of Sherrod's views: rich vs. poor, healthcare, low interest loans, and the fact that every sentence in her speech begins with, is interrupted by, and is concluded with the words "you know." You know.

You know, but I really don't think it is even at all possible to think she is a racist if you watched the full story she was telling. You know, the whole speech which was a pretty decent speech. You [should] know, the point of the story was that she was at first wrong to wonder if she should focus on helping only blacks because of a promise she made to herself. You know (actually you probably don't know).

You know she said lots of things that make her very unracist, but you can just, you know, watch it for yourself.

Just so you know 2 minutes out of a full 43 minutes speech shouldn't be labeled "FULL video." You know. Well you know, anything taken out of context can look you know, racist.

You know, a portion of this blog post could be used to make it look like I hate cheeseburgers. MMMMmmm cheeseburgers.

You know you could just quote my blog out of context stating, "Jonathan said, 'I hate cheeseburgers.'"

You know, you don't know unless you have seen the whole speech in its entirety. You know, you can enjoy a bowl of Cocoa Puffs while you watch. Mmmm Cocoa Puffs. You know I'm cuckoo for them.

Tenny for Your Thoughts?

Per Nicky's request, I am blogging about the dispute some idiots have with the 99¢ Only Store for jacking up their prices to 99.99 cents.

Where to begin?

First the nonsensical ravings. I just want to say, what the obligatory! This is a travesty of unparalleled terror. Ah! Scoundrels! Absconders!

Now to the sensical nonravings. The biggest argument is that the store's name and the prices aren't the same. This whole case is a moot point because I have been to plenty of dollar stores claiming "nothing over a dollar" yet I always point out while shopping there, "hey this thing here is 2 bucks. Liars!!" Did you know Taco Bell sells more than just tacos and has little to no bell?

Also rounding up sub-cent numbers is nothing new. Stores literally do it all the time. The people referred to as "least able to discern the difference" by their lawyers (do they even know there is a litigious lawsuit?) must assume the numbers are truncated (the .99 is simply cut off) even though the precedent used for these "seniors" entire lives was the rounding method.

Now the satire. Those greedy corporations have gone too far this time! First they give poor people loans. Then they spill my precious oil. Now they are profiting off rounded numbers!

You know we're in a tough recession when people are quivering over a tenthcent, or a tenny as I call 'em. I coined the term tenny. Get it. Coined!

Still, it is their right to charge incrementally miniscule amounts of money if they want. It's their right!

I blame Obama of course. If he spent less time hiring, then firing, then rehiring people and more time meeting the demand of micro money minting, people could pay exact change.

The solution is obvious. Uncle Sam needs to start minting the .01¢ coin (of course the profile of Obama would be featured on the iron tenny). And for convenience, so we won't have to carry around a pocket full of .01 cent pieces, we should print the .05¢ aluminum piece. I propose a caricature of Bob Hoskins to be commissioned for that.

I suppose they will have to build some very tiny machines to mint the very tiny money. They will be adorable won't they?

And on the plus side, I can buy and sell people's thoughts for an even smaller denomination.

Tenny for your comments anyone?