Color Me Gnome

First let me just say it bothers the h-word out of me when the photo uploader has a button that says "upload image" and then the next screen says "uploading images." I guess on the plus side my h-word is getting purged out of me every time I upload a photo. It's like getting baptised!

Anyway, here is the image I was uploading. It's Gnome Chomsky that I painted at Color Me Mine. I always wanted a gnome but couldn't pay $40 for something that is merely kitsch value.

So I paid almost as much to make one myself of lesser quality. Capitalism is a beautiful thing.

Incidentally, Gnome Chomsky is a gnome bank (for storing all the money I don't have after Rachel and I spent every shiny dime coloring things ours).

Beer and an Emergency Exit

If my Facebook status was updated with something other than what my father would call idiotic gibberish, it might read "Jonathan Joseph Reddoch needs a beer and an emergency exit."

As you can obviously tell from my post title, I am disgruntled about work issues and like an angry male stewardess I need some precious public ventilation. If you don't know what relevance beer and an emergency exit has to do with job dissatisfaction, please review the news then come back. Go ahead; I'll wait.

Yeah so I didn't get the job I applied for. You wouldn't think I would mind so much since I had mixed feelings about even applying partly because I really like my current job as editor (I really do despite disgruntled grumblings). But I know I was super qualified for the job: in fact the new position requires less training and education than my current job (even though it pays more).

It's like a college professor being turned down for a high school teaching position. But I guess it just feels like I have no future [here?] now.

So about that beer. Just kidding, I don't drink the alchy. But if I did I would grab a rum and Pepsi on my 8 story slide down the woogie building (when you reach the top there's only one direction to go).

But I guess I shouldn't abandon my [lack of] career just yet. I am sure there is a reason I shouldn't pull that emergency exit handle. I know it's not the amazing benefits (stupid insurance denied my doctor requested x-ray that I don't even remember taking and sent me a bill for the full $300+ but at least the insurance company had the courtesy to tell me kindly over the phone that this would keep happening until I finally take a hint and drop literally dead).

Maybe it's the bad economy. Or I am too lazy to look for a new job.

Maybe it's the 7 years in jail I don't want for causing public mischief. Maybe it's because I like my job. Maybe it's because there isn't a slide down the woogoo building. It would be a fun ride though, right?

Maybe I should wait around another 28 years with a wait and see attitude. That worked out well for Jim Henson.

Actually a coworker just notified me of a massive amount of Famous Dave's leftovers. Even though I accidently smothered my ribs and chicken wings with what I thought was BBQ sauce (it was chocolate sauce) I feel somehow comforted by this food. Please disavow the above whining. Emergency averted. I'll just shut up and go back to work now. Facebook status has been updated to "Jonathan Joseph Reddoch learned the hard way not to flood chicken and ribs with chocolate sauce."

Deathcare Reform

So I was just thinking about how as our society advances in wealth and especially technology, society at-large benefits so much that common folk and their rich compassionate compatriots (rich people who want a building named after them when they die) begin to feel this universal sense of entitlement. Four hundred years ago, no one had access to Kitty Kat scans, but somehow today it is becoming a natural right. Interesting right? The libs think man is born with the right to the best science other people's money can buy and republican's think poor people should have thought of that before getting inoperable brain tumors. But this blog isn't about those sob (and SOB) stories right now: they are about different sob stories. [Dems = sobs. Repubs = SOBs].

Anyway, but I was just wondering what people would be lobbying for in another 30 years, once healthcare is galaxywide and everyone can marry whomever they please and we live in a world free from borders (because they will have been long abandoned in place of cat scan screenings at the airport). There is always something to champion for. I imagine one day in a hundred years, people will be fighting over cheap public teleportation for all and which bill to put Obama on (the tenny of course and 43 dollar bill).

But what about deathcare? I am sure you have heard stories about people who have lost loved ones, only to find they can't afford a decent burial. How many poor widows have had to toss their husbands into a ditch merely because they can't afford life insurance (double speak for death insurance)? If we had a dollar for every uncle who was chopped up by a weed eater and sprinkled as fertilizer across a yellow patch on the lawn or sweet old granny cremated in the oven alongside a crisp apple turnover or every baby chopped up in the garbage disposal like a common goldfish. Well we would have a whole mess of cash that could be used for a public funeral option.

Death could happen to any of us. You could be dead right now. I could be dead. We could all be dead. And then who would be left? Bill collector's (dastards) and greedy morticians (are there any other kind?). If you think about it, is there any other business besides undertaking that profits solely when their customers' deaths (they aren't called under-givers for a reason)? Funeral "homes" are worse than Big Tobacco. Mortuaries? More like Big Coffin. Tell me, when your loved ones die off one at a time in your arms, who's gonna pay the boatman?

I think it is time for deathcare reform now. For our children's widow's sake.

P.S. I asked Rachel if she got the "point" of this blog. She said "yeah, you are gonna throw me in a ditch when I die and burn your clothes so it doesn't look like you killed me [so I won't be sent to prison on false murder charges just for saving a few bucks on funeral expenses]."

Jews and Berries

So have you heard the news? Not the Prop 8 proclamation. Not that oily bird business either. I am talking of course about Hermione Granger's (Emma Watson) new pixie look. Don't assume she is planning on pigeonholing herself as a fantasy starlet (the wizarding kind. Keep your mind out of the magical gutter) with new fairy roles.

But from the looks of this image you are for sure wondering if she is preparing for her new role as Gozer in the big budget remake of Ghostbusters (2010 is the year of the 80s remake). Since there is no remake in the works, I have to assume that she won't be acting as Gozer, she is Gozer!

I am the keymaster. Are you the gatekeeper?

There is no Dana, only Zuul.

Wait for the sign, all slaves will be freed!

Anyway, Emma has just one question for you. Are you a god?

If you have no idea who the gatekeeper is or don't know that when someone asks you if you are a god, you say yes, then please do your pre-doomsday required viewing of Ghostbusters (this means you, Rachel). You will have to "research" the the source of my title.

Hurry before this this happens to your hometown:

The Destructor has come!

Nimble little minx, isn't she?

Blogger’s Block

I

I am tempted to use cliché number 145 from the Big Book of Bloggerisms, "Sorry I haven't written in a while."

Well, I am not sorry. But there has been a lot on my mind. I have just been too busy with work and house sitting this week.

Ugh this is starting to sound generic despite my best efforts. OK I haven't been super inspired, but this has happened before.

Here is a list of topics that I could have blogged about this past week but didn't:

The rude gelato man being rude to us until we bought overpriced gelato. Possible post title: Not a Whole Lotto Gelato [For the Moolah-to?]

The gnome that I painted when I took Rachel to Color Me Mine (you're mine now Gnome!). Possible post title: Gnome Chomsky (because that's his name). I'll post a pc when Gnome Chomsky is home from the kiln.

The convenience of giving me small raise at work which occurred conveniently to make up for the raise in insurance premiums (and lowering of insurance coverage). Convenient!

The suburb silliness of labeling people as EITHER a pessimist or an optimist, thus pigeonholing them for life (because a pigeon in a hole can't move?). Ironically only an optimist would think this is a good idea. Wouldn't the very act of calling someone a pessimist make the labeler a pessimist (at least until he calls someone an optimist)? Because I am a critic of this kind of polarization of society and oversimplification of a very complex person, I have to be a pessimist (half empty). On the plus side, I don't have to be an optimist. Yes! (Half full). But I still get to be a pessimist even if I am positive about liking being a pessimist right? (Half full?). Wait, but I both er I uh sself-categorizing. . .too hard. Possible post title: The Glass Is Shattered! (I threw it on the ground!). Alternate title: Pigeon in a Hole

 

In conclusion, please enjoy the following mixed metaphor (Shakespeare used them so I can too):

I guess my blogger block has ended. Consider this blogger's block stacked.

Department 45

So I had an eye infection or something. I don't know what it was exactly and the doctors didn't seem to care what it was either. Anyway so let's just call it iHurt. I saw the InstaCare people. The doctor prescribed some stuff that may or may not have worked (it could just be going away on its own).

Then I followed up with an eye specialist who basically knew nothing about my iHurt.

Then I got a letter from the insurance companying. It was a bill for the full $202 for the first visit to the InstaCare. They denied my claim.

The reason?

"314 THIS CLAIM IS DENIED, WE NEED THE DATE THE ILLNESS WAS DIAGNOSED AND IF THERE IS CONTINUOUS TREATMENT INCLUDING PRESCRIPTIONS, PLEASE RETURN RECORDS TO DEPARTMENT #45."

Apparently there is at least 314 ways to screw people out of health insurance.

Also don't these people know how to use commas properly? That is a run on sentence!

What records do I need exactly?

Where is department 45? If I write department 45 on an envelope, the mailman will know what to do with it right?

I have to assume department number 45 is one of the sublevels of Hades. Maybe it is a department inside Area 51.

There is more to the letter, mostly legal gibberish but this part made me smile:

"Understanding your health care options can be confusing. Regence takes out the guesswork."

Also is my insurance Regence or Blue Cross/Blue Shield? I am confused.

And when I called the insurance company the guy said the claim was denied because they couldn't know it wasn't a preexisting condition.

What. The. Beeping. Beep?

I guess that is what the letter meant when it said it needed the date the illness was diagnosed. Funny, I thought I went to the doctor to get that.

Speaking of diagnosis, I am still waiting for one.

The insurance underling said my insurance had a 9 month long thing about preexisting conditions.

I have had this insurance since January first and you think I decided to wait until last week to have my exploding eye examined? How long do you think this eye infection or whatever it is lasts?!

Anyway the only reason the insurance guy can get this maybe approved is by calling my previous insurance to prove I had insurance before getting Regence.

That's freaking stupid but luckily I had insurance before having insurance otherwise I couldn't use my insurance.

He also said I would probably keep getting denied until the 9 months was up.

BTW there is a fraud hotline on the back of the letter. Do you think if I called it, I could report Regence/Blue Cross/Blue Shield?

 

316 THIS CLAIM IS DENIED, IN THE SPACE THAT SAYS DO NOT WRITE IN THIS SPACE, THE NURSE ACCIDENTLY DOTTED AN I

419 THIS CLAIM IS DENIED, THE PATIENT MUST PROVIDE PROOF THAT THE BROKEN LEG DID NOT OCCUR BEFORE BIRTH, SEND REPORTS TO DEPARTMENTS 12-14, 16, 34, 89, AND 101

665 THIS CLAIM IS DENIED, DOCTOR DID NOT PROVE THAT PATIENT DID NOT INGEST TAPEWORM ON PURPOSE, READMINISTER LIE DETECTOR AND AUTOPSY, SEND REPORTS TO DEPARTMENT 45

666 THIS CLAIM IS DENIED, DEPARTMENT 45 HAS BEEN DISSOLVED, RECORDS PURGED, WITNESSES BURNED

Now I Get It !

Apparently I am an unoriginal ignoramus and so are you as the following Facebook status from a friend of a friend of my wife will demonstrate.

*I JUST LAUGH* AT PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE MORE intelligent then others, more creative, more spiritual, etc IT JUST SHOWS HOW INSECURE THEY ARE !They DESPERATELY NEED A MENTAL PROFESSIONAL! Feel sorry for them ;( NOBODY IN THIS WORLD IS BETTER THEN ANYBODY ELSE Do you get it ???????????

I will address the rest of this blog to the aforementioned friend of a friend of Rachel's.

Dear brainless,

There are approximately 4,321 things wrong with your statement. Where to begin?

Firstly, why do you think you're more humble than others ;( NOBODY IN THIS WORLD IS MORE HUMBLE THEN ANYONE ELSE Do you get it??????

Secondly, are you saying everyone has the same level of intelligence? That is a pretty stupid theory to postulate, easily repudiated by comparing just about any two people alive.

Thirdly, if by "just laugh" you mean publically judge through contemptuous self righteous yelling, then yeah you do just laugh. This blog post is just my laughter. Haha heehee! Hoho!

Fourthly, your use of punctuation and capitalization is more "creative" than mine. I won't get into the weird spacing, thirty superfluous question marks, and use of punctuation as facial patterns ;( sad faces do not equal punctuation.

I am better at knowing that you have no clue what asterisks are for.

I am better than you at knowing when to use than than you.

I am better than you at not writing run on sentences I make more sense than that

Did you mean "[I] feel sorry for them."? Because you are using the command form. Don't tell me to feel sorry for someone who is just as good as me: that would mean I would also need to feel sorry for myself, as well as feeling sorry for you (I don't feel sorry for obtuse hypocrites committed to high-minded ideological fallacy ) . No one can feel sorrier than someone else???????

Are you implying that although everyone somehow has the same level of intelligence, some people are less secure in this equality?

*It is* ABSURD TO THINK YOU ARE LESS INSECURE THEN OTHER PEOPLE !

If some people desperately need mental professionals than I guess we all do right, crazy? Because no one is more mentally stable than anyone else.

Also if everyone has the same level of spirituality, then that means when a baby is born he is as spiritual as the day he dies. So nothing we do matters because we can never become smarter, more creative, or more spiritual.

We are like clones of each other unable to learn and grow in meaningful ways. Just like that sheep. We are Dolly. Resistence is futile. Baaahhh!

You have really opened my eyelids to the utter suckiness of mankind.

I suppose we can live in a truly egalitarian society now and I (and everyone since we have identical thoughts) just never realized it.

Thank you, equally intelligent, creative, and spiritual equal. Now I get it.

Sincerely,

Your clone

P.S. I am smarter than you.