My (Long Interruption Here Blah Blah Blah) “Style”

I (who am I? What am I?) have (I have it even though I am sharing it with the world? How deep) a (or really one of a great many boring styles to choose from) style (more like lack of style) that (and not which because I paid a lot of money to know when to use that and when to use which) seems (and by seems I mean for sure is) kinda (also known as completely) convoluted (I originally had the word retarded here but I thought it might be offensive even though there is no such thing as retarded people anymore: only special people; so why make a big fuss? Plus I really think convoluted really captures what it is I am going for here like if it isn't obvious already that I am making fun of my own ridiculous style of pausing in the middle of my own sentences to go on and on all convolutedly) when (does anybody really know what time it is? Does anyone really care?) I (seriously who am I?) write (writing to me implies using paper but I guess it works or I could have said type but it sounds less poetic) my (as if I can really call anything mine anymore. Now that I am married it should be ours right Rachel?) little (or big since it is growing into maturity) Feeling a Lil' Bloggy (feeling a lil' [lot]nauseous) blog (bring lots of guffaws) posts (random weird annoyances is more like it. Seriously these things go on and on about all this gibberish and I call this a style? I bet people hate how I can't write a simple sentence like "I have a style that seems kinda convoluted when I write my little Feeling a Lil' Bloggy blog posts" without some big long sidetrack about this and that [now I am sounding like that fat little fish from "The Little Mermaid" {"this is this and that is that}]).

Crossword to ya’ Motha

You thought sweet regurgitation was a difficult puzzle? This crossword puzzle is legit. Too legit in fact to quit. Hey hey! This may or may not be extremely difficult. It might be super easy. Here is the clue that makes it solvable:

Every single solution comes from one of my February or March blog posts.

If it is not the lamest crossword ever conceived, then I might do an April one. Good luck!

Across
3 ACROSS: BAD LUCK _____
6 ACROSS: Gimme back that kiss!
7 ACROSS: Brought to you by prison
9 ACROSS: Bone ____
11 ACROSS: Legendary figure
14 ACROSS: Opposites
16 ACROSS: Treasure chest + Mad Eye Moody =______
17 ACROSS: Cloudy with a chance of
18 ACROSS: Not FINE!
19 ACROSS: Bless these
20 ACROSS: Keep those dimes bird

Down
1 DOWN: Starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds (sorta)
2 DOWN: Jonathan is not very good at being this
4 DOWN: 2015
5 DOWN: For the birds
8 DOWN: Where "they" went
10 DOWN: SUCKER! (Hint: see 1 down)
12 DOWN: OK does not equal _____
13 DOWN: A jerky fish
15 DOWN: This is dumb

Blogger Brawl? Blogger Bah

I have had a couple different friends request on Facespace that I support their friends by voting for their boring long obnoxious garbage in Blogger Brawl (on Mormon Times of course, which I know as the place where 20-something Mormons fight for laughs and tears through quips about their dating life and the effects of the Restoration that is just so down to earth and original!). That's cool. But shouldn't they win on their own merit? It shouldn't be an advertising/popularity contest. That is how politics works, and Blogger Brawl seems much too high brow for that sort of thing. I went ahead and voted for the two friends of friends but only because I kind of thought the friends of friend's blogs were unmeasurably less obnoxious and boring.

I thought to myself, if I focused my blogginess toward an audience that didn't consist primarily of Rachel and the other few people who peruse this thing, then maybe I could compete in this brawl as it were. I could methodically yank at the heart strings with manipulative anecdotes and probably regale some witty-ish yarns. Maybe. Typically my jokes are no good but people seem to laugh at me all the time when I am not trying to be funny.

However, it is pretty hard to write a blog that would be even semi-interesting to someone I don't know. Also, I don't like the idea of writing a "Mormon" blog anyway. Why can't I just write a blog and be a Mormon? Does everything Mormons read have to be Mormon something? We have Mormon this and Mormon that. For those of you non-Mormons reading this, don't get the wrong idea: Mormonism is the best thing ever and you should immerse yourself in Mormon culture right now [sarcasm unintentional but possibly unavoidable]. Seriously the Book of Mormon is the best thing ever. Go read that right now.

I am not really what you would call the competitive type. I also like writing the kind of amateur stuff that only my few friends would enjoy anyway, and only because they know me and my crazy (please read the word with excessive emphasize) antics. Also I wouldn't be able to lose my cynicism and dark sarcasm and maintain my own style. I am too attached to it for some reason. My real "humor" is too subtle for even my wife to get. We're still on our sweet regurgitation lunar phase but she is starting to realize, as even my family continually fails to see, I am never really that serious; I only pretend to be. OK sometimes I am but it can be hard to distinguish. Same diff. What does that even mean? Same difference? It's gibberish!

Still clandestinely (blogs are clandestine if no one reads them ya?) I really want someone to say "Jonathan [even though people don't usually call me Jonathan outside the Bohmen circle], you should compete on Blogger Brawl!" To which I will thoughtfully and humbly reply, "Blogger Brawl? Blogger bah."

Soylent Green Is Good People!

I asked Rachel if I could put a copy of Goya's "Saturn Devouring His Son" up in our dining room, and can you believe she said no?

As this post will prove, there is something severely wrong with me. But I just don't know what so maybe you can help me figure out what.

The other day I was listening to the radio program "All Things Liberal Considered" on National Progressive Radio (NPR). Robert Livingston Siegel (Seagull) was reporting on the terrifying feeling he gets when he drives through Donner Pass. Good reporting Bobby. But he then he said that there was new DNA evidence that showed the Donner Party had eaten cows and other things but not each other. "Phew!" He actually said phew, as if a great big ol' burden had been lifted off him. Well I have a few questions for him.

1) Why do you even care?

2) How does this affect you or the dead in any way at all?

3) What difference does it make if they did or did not eat the dead members of their party?

4) Can people get mad people disease from eating each other [yes this is a real question]?

. . .

47) What do humans taste like?

48) Is it wrong that I am curious?

49) Is there a difference between ethnicities in taste?

50) Is it wrong that I would have like no qualms eating a human? Correction: how deranged does that make me?

Hannibal Lecture didn't seem too unreasonable to me. He doesn't scare me because he typical only eats rude people, bad musicians, evil men, and cops who get in his way. I am none of those things aside from the musician thing and only slightly evil but I don't play where he can hear so he won't care. That doesn't seem so bad. It is super wrong to murder, granted. However, he is less wasteful than any other serial killer out there except for Buffalo Bob who made clothes out of his victims. Now that is some recycling! If Hannibal and Bob got together, they could really make use of a corpse. The Native Americans of old had nothing on these too.

I just think it is currently unnecessary here in the well-fed (over-fed) America but down south, they could sure use a little cannibalism right about now. I wouldn't care if someone ate my dead body, especially if they were really hungie. I am dead, not gonna need it anyway for a while. Maybe there is a good scientific reason not to eat people. The only good reason is possible mad human disease which I just made up.

The Martians don't have this silly taboo and look how good things turned out for them. "A different example of cannibal culture in literature is found in the science fiction novel Stranger in a Strange Land (1981) by Robert A. Heinlein, where some human culture is transformed as a result of the Martians practice of eating one's dead friends as an act of great respect."

On another note, if you have never seen the film Solyent Green then you should watch it right now. Stop reading this blog post and watch it right now this second. In it Charlton Heston is a detective who discovers that Soylent Green is people! But the people are rioting from hunger so I think they should keep selling it. Is that so wrong? Am I the only person who has ever seen the ending to Soylent Green and thought, soylent green is people? So what? That seems like a great way to recycle.

Life Is About Socialism

So Rachel and I watched the show "Life" on Discovery Channel on Sundays, mostly because my roommate turns it on but we like it anyway. So Oprah is the narrator for the show. Her commentary is quite illuminating on the subject of life. Each episode focuses on a particular group. One was about birds, one about reptiles, one about plants, etc. The most recent one was about primates. She made several comments about how similar we all are (primates that is). She commentatored on the primates that bathe in the hot springs in the snowy mountains of Japan for warmth. They only allow some to enter—even though there is plenty of the hot water to go around—because they formed their own class system. It was sad to see the poor underclass monkeys or whatever get left out by the "bouncer" of the social elites. We are pretty similar I suppose. Obama should help those monkeys get access to cesstub care. On an interesting side note, Oprah also thinks plants tend to be very humanlike. Apparently everything is like a human. Maybe we should do something about that.

What If Rachel and I Were Robots?

Ever wonder what it would be like if you were a robot? If you are thinking, yes! Every 3.5 seconds then you need to get a life, loser. But if you are like me then you thought about it a few times. OK I am a loser who thinks about it every 3.4 seconds. Don't tell anyone but sometimes I make robot sounds. Shhh, it's a secret between us, ‘K.

Anyway, here are the designs I drafted for the prototypes of Rachel and I.

Rachel 1.5
This is pretty much what Rachel would look like if she were a robot. Notice the purple drapery, the chemical engineering paraphernalia, the huge oversized backpack, and those long luscious robolimbs? Although there is one improvement present: she isn't tripping over herself because I took the liberty of widening her stance for improved balance (standard Johnny Number 5 treds). It would be a shame if she accidently poured that sulfuric acid prematurely. She would
probably dump it all over her new roboskirt.
JonnyUltra 2000
So this is [exactly] what I would look like as a robot. I am a little worried about how destructive I am in this picture. Maybe I should see a shrink. I am a little large (get it shrink because of my size?). But I have a soft side: notice how I didn't disturb the tiny Presbyterian chapel. Yeah, I am better than the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Or maybe just smarter not to incite the wrath of the Ghostbusters by stepping on a church. But then again, I am a robot, not a ghost. They couldn’t stop me! Let the church stomping resume.

Beer Bongs, Stripping, “Sweet Regurgitation,” and Apples to Apples

What do beer bongs, stripping, excessive consumptions of "drinks," vomiting, and Apples to Apples have in common? They were the highlights of my bachelor's party the other night. If you are reading this then you know I am married (because this is autoposting after my wedding). Otherwise Rachel decided not to go through with it last minute and I hate life right now and should be on suicide watch. If that is the case and you need me, then you can find me atop the SWKT (Spencer W. Kimball Tower for non-BYUers pronounced swi-kit). Suicide "jokes" aside, I am sure the sucker went through with it and we are happily married.

OK before yesterday night I would not have agreed that vomit is "sweet regurgitation." And I was not being ironic either. But after drinking a whole Gatorade out of beer bong until I threw up, I would have to agree sure, it works for Thursday's blog crossword about Sweet Drippy Natural Luna. So if you thought vomit was the right answer for 1 across then good for you, you win on technicality. Still maybe try and find the more logical correct answer that is also relevant to the reason behind the crossword in question (hint-hint).

BTW I stripped when I drank the Gatorade Bong so I wouldn't stain my shirt. Pants stayed on. It didn't get that crazy. Maybe if you could cram a few more sugary drinks in me, maybe. Also we mostly ate loads of yummy, yummy food and played Apples to Apples in true Mormon fashion.