Gold-Burning Stove

So I have been so busy bashing on annoying Christmas traditions this year, that I forgot to bash illogical or otherwise ridiculous Christmas song lyrics.

I heard a good one this morning (twice!). From the song “Do You Hear what I hear?”:

A child, a child shivering in the cold,
Let us bring him silver and gold

What! No that’s wrong. The correct answer is blanket. Not like you can really make a golden fleece. Or could you? Maybe they have a gold-burning stove, who knows, but I'd give that kid something at least soft and cuddly. Baby don't need bling!

Now I realize that gold rhymes better than blanket with cold, but how about "bring him a blanket that’s been rolled." Not as good sounding sure but we are talking life and death here. And they want to give a baby money? Who does that? Cold (literally cold) hard (literally hard) cash is the laziest of all gifts, especially when that baby really wants/needs heat.

Have a safe and warm, gold-filled Christmas! (And to a lesser extent silver).

X-Mas Traditions I Can Do Without

X-Mas is all about traditions. Most are fun nonsense like stockings and Santa. Some are all religiousy, if you’re into it. And some just annoying. Every year since I can remember there have been more than a few Yuletide traditions that I would love to put to rest. Here they are in increasing order of general annoyance:

Every Christmas Christians complain that there is too much mas and not enough Christ in Christmas. I blame Santa (Satan?) and cola guzzling polar bears. Yes, He is the reason for the season (sorta); we get it; can we open presents yet? These same people complain that stores are killing baby Jesus by using an X instead of Christ in X-Mas in their non-denominational store windows even though it totally means the exact same thing. Why do stores need to promote Christianity to sell their wares anyway? They're a place of business not worship, for X's sake. Excuse me for that last bit of blasphemy.

Speaking of X, every year I have to defend my use of X-Mas in lieu of Christmas by explaining numerous times that x is a Greek symbol for Christ or something like that (I forget, but no worries because I’ll be reminded all about it in the next week or so). Also it is way faster to type. And it has little to do with being a fan of the X-Men. Oh and Christmas is becoming too commercial they say, every year. Every year they say it. Every year since 1 AD. Fine, no presents for you. More for me.

I won't even get into people who think saying "happy holidays" (i.e., holy days) instead of "Merry Christmas" equates a War on Christmas. Fighting the war against Christmas is a longstanding American tradition. Please pass the holy hand grenade.

Every year I get to hear twelve lords a leap’n explain that Christmas is a pagan holiday. They just made it Christian to get pagans to something-something, yeah no one cares. If pagan means present exchanging and trees and Santa then I am one gleeful pagan. Now please pass the pagan ham.

And don’t get me started on the atheists during Christmas. Getting a “Reason’s Greetings” from the Freedom from Religion people is the most passive aggressive way I have ever been insulted. How about a “happy December” instead. Or a “have a great week!” Nah, they just have to be condescendingly reasonier than thou during the holidays; it’s tradition.

Two equally annoying things happen during the holidays: Christians (born agains mainly) who somehow don’t know any better wish Jesus a happy birthday, when everyone else in the world knows he was not born in December (see that pagan thing above). At the same time every non-Christian from here to Red China feels the compulsion to explain that Jesus couldn’t be born in December. Thanks for the revelation, St. John. Now please pass the baby Jesus and let's have ourselves an inaccurate Nativity.

And one more thing. Every year I am told the joke about Darth Vader knowing what Luke got him for Christmas. That's not so bad actually; I do enjoy spoiling the punchline (did he feel his presents?).

Happy Holydays!