X-Men: Half "Butt"

My initial reaction to X-Men: First Class (more like X-Men: Half "Butt") was very similar to the Star Wars prequels, only not as extreme (in anticipation nor in disillusionment). It went something like this: awesome. Then: no wait meh. Finally: ugh, why does Fox hate me?

This movie feels like a great movie. That is until my feelings stop tingling and my brain starts its bizness. I actually like the Last Stand more and not because it is a great film or even a better film, but because the illogic detector of my brain doesn’t buzz with activity when I watched it. I can't overemphasize that if you don't mind that First Class makes no sense as a prequel to four other films then it is a great movie. Unfortunately my memory works too well for me to enjoy this thing.

First what First Class did right:
The plot was actually pretty cool.
The actors were great.
It looked fantastic.
It was fun.

Still it had all the little problems of the Wolverine movie. It didn’t add up. The details I mean. And I am more than willing to overlook the actor changes and the bizarre character changes from both films (very bizarre) including power and history rewrites. The director/writers that made this film are the laziest sacks of craps on the planet. Did they even watch the originals? Maybe they merely skimmed Wikipedia. If you had no qualms with this movie, then it’s because you are not that big of a fan the originals or like the director just don’t give a poop. The people I saw First Class with hadn’t seen them in years (or not at all), so their memories of the original series is about as fuzzy as the director’s but they remembered Moira not being a spy so much.

Boring fact-based nerdy spoiler alert!

1) Moira is like a doctor or nurse or something in the comics, but more importantly in the post-credit scene of the Last Stand, she is seen doing nursy type stuff. So what, she was fed up with the CIA, quit being a bad-A, went to medical school and adopted an Irish accent? From tough American spy to gentle Irish nurse? That’s possible I guess.

2) Where did Magneto say he got his “stupid looking helmet”? Oh that’s right, he made it. And how did he make it? He made it because he helped Professor X build Cerebro. Oh wait I guess Magneto was lying in the originals because the commies made it for some reason for Sebastian Shaw and Magneto simply stole it. Oh and neither Professor X nor Magneto even helped build Cerebro (at least the first one); it was built by the CIA and designed by McCoy. Bah.

3) Moira gets the old C3PO memory wipe at the end of the film. Why? To hide the whereabouts of Charles of course. Why wouldn’t the CIA check his address? It’s probably in the freaking phone book for poop’s sake!

4) They are basically fighting the brotherhood of mutants, not the “real” Hellfire Club of the comics. I realize that Fox doesn’t give a flying poop about comic books, Marvel, nor its followers, so they don’t bother trying to capture any detail of the Hellfire Club other than the underwear wearing and secretive aspect of the group (and only 2 of the members of the group), but it is a clone of Magneto's brotherhood from the originals (or it turns out Magneto is the clone of Shaw, stealing the groups members, ideas, methods, and hats). They have the exact same modus operandi: mutants are the future, kill all humans. That is some lazy writing and you know it when all you had to do was read some comics and stick Mastermind and that Cyborg guy and the fat bearded guy who makes things heavy in there. Magneto just takes over like whoever wears the funny hat gets to be in charge and thee is no discernable difference between the Hellfire Club and the Brotherhood of Mutants. In fact, Magneto only does anything in this film to kill Shaw and supplant him. Then Professor X lets all the bad guys go like they didn’t just kill a hundred CIA agents and Darwin, and almost started a nuclear war. Professor X should have taken over Azazel and transported himself to a hospital at least then knock out the other bad guys or something at least. How do they even get off the island? Why can’t the Hellfire Club have been more like the comics and less a clone of the brotherhood from the first films in almost every conceivable way? Speaking of island, wasn't the invisible blockade farther than a quarter mile from the coast?

5) Professor X and Mystique’s relationship, as awkward as it was, made no sense in relation to the original movies. Think about this. Charles and Erik knew each other for like a week in this movie. Yes like a freaking week, and somehow they grew to become lifetime frenemies. Yet, Mystique, who was super close to Charles most of her life, doesn’t even acknowledge Professor X in any of the other movies, certainly not when she tries to kill him. And Professor X visits Magneto for periodic chess matches with Magneto, but it doesn’t mention him ever visiting his adopted sister? It’s not like they parted ways on sour terms (it would have at least made sense if Charles dated her then dumped her for Moira like in the Ultimate X-Men comics). I call shenanigans. Lazy shenanigans.

6) I don’t know if this is a reboot like Superman Returns (more like Superman Reruns) or what, but it makes no GD f-ing sense chronologically. There is the thing about the beast being human in the second film then blue in the third and whatever; I guess we don’t care, but here is something I just can’t ignore. The opening scene to the Last Stand, a walking older Xavier and Erik visiting Jean Grey for recruitment. Yes walking. Yes friends. Yes founding a school together. Yes crucial scene. It implies from Magneto’s question that they wouldn’t visit everyone in person, which is mind boggling when you consider that they have already done this before when they were way younger and yes they visited everyone including Wolverine in person. It sort of implies that Jean was one of the first. None of it makes any sense now. Which gets me to my next peeve.

7) I wasn’t a huge fan of the Lucasian style prequel wrap up either. I don’t know why a) Charles and Erik had to end their relationship so soon after meeting b) Magneto had to immediately form the brotherhood of mutants c) the Death Star had to be shown being constructed-oh I mean Cerebro was built already d) Magneto had to adopt his cape and whatnot, and e) this is the clincher: Charles had to have his back severed? Why so soon? Although it was actually kind of interesting the way they did it so I guess it wasn’t too bad, even though it is a bit much to all happen in this first film and doesn't fit chronologically. f) Heck even the plane was here. It’s as if everything from the originals all happened in this one movie ( g)the beast turns blue etc.). Why couldn’t stuff happen over time? Why does it all have to be shown right then? Reminds me of the ten minutes that defined Indian Jones for the rest of his life (he gained a fear of snakes, learned to love adventure, realized artifacts belonged in museums, learned to operate his trademark bullwhip, and received his famous hat in one very important, convenient life event).

Lazy filmmaking aside, it was great as long as you don’t dwell on the huge inconsistencies and lack of original villain group. Fox should really just give up their half-butted charade and let Marvel do an authentic reboot already. I leave you this question to ponder: when did Michael Ironside get so fat? I didn't remember him being that way in Terminator Salvation.