So I was starving Sunday night at midnight and couldn't sleep, so I went to Betos or Rancheritos, or whatever they are legally obligated to call themselves now. Anyway so I pull up to the drive-thru and. . .
Speaker: Pkkkerk. How can I help you?
Me: Yeah, can I get carne asada fries, with no guacamole and extra sour cream.
Speaker: Fries don’t come with guacamole, only salt.
Me: No I want carne asada fries.
Speaker: Carne asada torta? Anything else.
Me: No carne asada fries with no guacamole and extra sour cream.
Speaker: Carne asada fries with extra guacamole and no sour cream. Anything else?
Me: No, you have it backwards. No guacamole and extra sour cream. And a large horchata.
Speaker: Carna asada fries with no guac and extra sour cream and a small horchata. Anything else?
Me: No, a large horchata.
Speaker: Small?
Me: Large!
Speaker: Small?
Me: Large horchata!
Speaker: Small.
Me: Large!
Then when I get to the window the Mexie youth in the window hands me a small horchata. A small-freaking-horchata! I can't drink a tiny horchata: it's half ice for one thing, and I don't drink small-sized anything.
I calmly say I wanted a large, then he laughs at me and pulls out a large horchata. Then he lets me have both for being “a good sport.” I laughed so I wouldn't seem like a cranky old man, even though a second horchata didn't make up for his wreckless shenanigans.
You know you’re getting old when you are on this side of the drive-thru pranking. Also I woke up with a tummy ache. Still worth it.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Ritual Suicide
So Hulu has a way of showing the same advertisements ad nauseam (haha good cliched pun, no?) until you want to buy their product, then they keep at it until you want to murder yourself with said product. Anyway they finally stopped showing me this Stella Artois commerical (no I never got around to buying some. . .). But it is so ingrained in my brain that I can't ever delete it. And I hate it. Every word. You watch it, then I'll complain about it in detail.
http://www.bestads.tv/view/3747/stella-artois-the-ritual/
OK so first of all, this beer is so pretentious that it needs its own ritual.
And there are only two steps to this ritual, and they are very simple and generic and kind of common sense even. The first is using a clean glass. I don't drink the alchy, but if I did, I would assume the glass I drank out of was cleaned beforehand. I drink me plenty of sody-pop and it better be served in a clean glass. Or the health inspector and I will be having words.
What are they saying, that poor beer is undeserving of clean glassware? The 99% won't like being told that.
Then the second step to this ritual is that the glass is tilted slightly. So? Don't they do that with every single other beer ever? Even of the apple and root variety?
Also annoying: the word chalice. And the fact that I had to find the link on a website called bestads.com, and not worststupidadsthataresodumb.com.
Anyway, so this commercial infuriates me. That's all.
If I have to watch it one more time, I might have to commit ritual suicide. Step one: clean knife. Step two: hold knife slightly at an angle. Step three: you know the rest.
http://www.bestads.tv/view/3747/stella-artois-the-ritual/
OK so first of all, this beer is so pretentious that it needs its own ritual.
And there are only two steps to this ritual, and they are very simple and generic and kind of common sense even. The first is using a clean glass. I don't drink the alchy, but if I did, I would assume the glass I drank out of was cleaned beforehand. I drink me plenty of sody-pop and it better be served in a clean glass. Or the health inspector and I will be having words.
What are they saying, that poor beer is undeserving of clean glassware? The 99% won't like being told that.
Then the second step to this ritual is that the glass is tilted slightly. So? Don't they do that with every single other beer ever? Even of the apple and root variety?
Also annoying: the word chalice. And the fact that I had to find the link on a website called bestads.com, and not worststupidadsthataresodumb.com.
Anyway, so this commercial infuriates me. That's all.
If I have to watch it one more time, I might have to commit ritual suicide. Step one: clean knife. Step two: hold knife slightly at an angle. Step three: you know the rest.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Wee Little Accident-Prone Snowchild
We have had very little snow so far this winter. So one of our wee little neighbor children made a wee little snowman, so wee that I'd say he is more of a snowlad or snowchild. Anyway, speaking of wee, it looks like the snowchild had himself a wee little accident as you can see from the picture below.
Probably best to just blame it on a wee little neighbor dog.
Probably best to just blame it on a wee little neighbor dog.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Commercial-Free Blogging
So I listen to NPR a lot. I won’t get into the liberals versus the non-liberals: I’ll save that for my other blog (the one where no one gets my jokes). Anyway, NPR is always asking for money (one day when they stop getting tax dollars I promise to start paying them a donation). The other thing they always do is proudly proclaim to be commercial-free. But here is the thing: they aren’t really commercial-free. Instead of “advertisers” who pay “fees” to radio stations to place “commercials” for their products, NPR has “supporters” who “donate” money and get to share a “message” about their products on air.
If you can tell me a real difference that isn’t more than arguing a fine semantic line, then I’d love to hear it. No actually I don’t want to hear it: keep it to yourself because they are the same thing.
I have heard about this Herman Melville chair probably a thousand times, including the Aeron “true black” chair, whatever that is (must be better than fake black [or Herman Mellvile true white whale?]). And about Tsunami’s sushi specials. I have to admit it is starting to wear me down. I might get myself a nice lounge chair to eat some sushi in while I listen to NPR. Except I can’t give in, you know out of principle or something.
Look NPR, I get it; you need the money. So I say quit the charade and embrace your model. No one is saying you have to sell out: sell in. I just want you to fess up and quit the commercial-free act because no one is buying (maybe I will try that sushi place after all).
This blog is brought to you commercial free (because no one will pay to advertise here).
If you can tell me a real difference that isn’t more than arguing a fine semantic line, then I’d love to hear it. No actually I don’t want to hear it: keep it to yourself because they are the same thing.
I have heard about this Herman Melville chair probably a thousand times, including the Aeron “true black” chair, whatever that is (must be better than fake black [or Herman Mellvile true white whale?]). And about Tsunami’s sushi specials. I have to admit it is starting to wear me down. I might get myself a nice lounge chair to eat some sushi in while I listen to NPR. Except I can’t give in, you know out of principle or something.
Look NPR, I get it; you need the money. So I say quit the charade and embrace your model. No one is saying you have to sell out: sell in. I just want you to fess up and quit the commercial-free act because no one is buying (maybe I will try that sushi place after all).
This blog is brought to you commercial free (because no one will pay to advertise here).
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Gold-Burning Stove
So I have been so busy bashing on annoying Christmas traditions this year, that I forgot to bash illogical or otherwise ridiculous Christmas song lyrics.
I heard a good one this morning (twice!). From the song “Do You Hear what I hear?”:
What! No that’s wrong. The correct answer is blanket. Not like you can really make a golden fleece. Or could you? Maybe they have a gold-burning stove, who knows, but I'd give that kid something at least soft and cuddly. Baby don't need bling!
Now I realize that gold rhymes better than blanket with cold, but how about "bring him a blanket that’s been rolled." Not as good sounding sure but we are talking life and death here. And they want to give a baby money? Who does that? Cold (literally cold) hard (literally hard) cash is the laziest of all gifts, especially when that baby really wants/needs heat.
Have a safe and warm, gold-filled Christmas! (And to a lesser extent silver).
I heard a good one this morning (twice!). From the song “Do You Hear what I hear?”:
A child, a child shivering in the cold,
Let us bring him silver and gold
Let us bring him silver and gold
What! No that’s wrong. The correct answer is blanket. Not like you can really make a golden fleece. Or could you? Maybe they have a gold-burning stove, who knows, but I'd give that kid something at least soft and cuddly. Baby don't need bling!
Now I realize that gold rhymes better than blanket with cold, but how about "bring him a blanket that’s been rolled." Not as good sounding sure but we are talking life and death here. And they want to give a baby money? Who does that? Cold (literally cold) hard (literally hard) cash is the laziest of all gifts, especially when that baby really wants/needs heat.
Have a safe and warm, gold-filled Christmas! (And to a lesser extent silver).
Monday, December 12, 2011
X-Mas Traditions I Can Do Without
X-Mas is all about traditions. Most are fun nonsense like stockings and Santa. Some are all religiousy, if you’re into it. And some just annoying. Every year since I can remember there have been more than a few Yuletide traditions that I would love to put to rest. Here they are in increasing order of general annoyance:
Every Christmas Christians complain that there is too much mas and not enough Christ in Christmas. I blame Santa (Satan?) and cola guzzling polar bears. Yes, He is the reason for the season (sorta); we get it; can we open presents yet? These same people complain that stores are killing baby Jesus by using an X instead of Christ in X-Mas in their non-denominational store windows even though it totally means the exact same thing. Why do stores need to promote Christianity to sell their wares anyway? They're a place of business not worship, for X's sake. Excuse me for that last bit of blasphemy.
Speaking of X, every year I have to defend my use of X-Mas in lieu of Christmas by explaining numerous times that x is a Greek symbol for Christ or something like that (I forget, but no worries because I’ll be reminded all about it in the next week or so). Also it is way faster to type. And it has little to do with being a fan of the X-Men. Oh and Christmas is becoming too commercial they say, every year. Every year they say it. Every year since 1 AD. Fine, no presents for you. More for me.
I won't even get into people who think saying "happy holidays" (i.e., holy days) instead of "Merry Christmas" equates a War on Christmas. Fighting the war against Christmas is a longstanding American tradition. Please pass the holy hand grenade.
Every year I get to hear twelve lords a leap’n explain that Christmas is a pagan holiday. They just made it Christian to get pagans to something-something, yeah no one cares. If pagan means present exchanging and trees and Santa then I am one gleeful pagan. Now please pass the pagan ham.
And don’t get me started on the atheists during Christmas. Getting a “Reason’s Greetings” from the Freedom from Religion people is the most passive aggressive way I have ever been insulted. How about a “happy December” instead. Or a “have a great week!” Nah, they just have to be condescendingly reasonier than thou during the holidays; it’s tradition.
Two equally annoying things happen during the holidays: Christians (born agains mainly) who somehow don’t know any better wish Jesus a happy birthday, when everyone else in the world knows he was not born in December (see that pagan thing above). At the same time every non-Christian from here to Red China feels the compulsion to explain that Jesus couldn’t be born in December. Thanks for the revelation, St. John. Now please pass the baby Jesus and let's have ourselves an inaccurate Nativity.
And one more thing. Every year I am told the joke about Darth Vader knowing what Luke got him for Christmas. That's not so bad actually; I do enjoy spoiling the punchline (did he feel his presents?).
Happy Holydays!
Every Christmas Christians complain that there is too much mas and not enough Christ in Christmas. I blame Santa (Satan?) and cola guzzling polar bears. Yes, He is the reason for the season (sorta); we get it; can we open presents yet? These same people complain that stores are killing baby Jesus by using an X instead of Christ in X-Mas in their non-denominational store windows even though it totally means the exact same thing. Why do stores need to promote Christianity to sell their wares anyway? They're a place of business not worship, for X's sake. Excuse me for that last bit of blasphemy.
Speaking of X, every year I have to defend my use of X-Mas in lieu of Christmas by explaining numerous times that x is a Greek symbol for Christ or something like that (I forget, but no worries because I’ll be reminded all about it in the next week or so). Also it is way faster to type. And it has little to do with being a fan of the X-Men. Oh and Christmas is becoming too commercial they say, every year. Every year they say it. Every year since 1 AD. Fine, no presents for you. More for me.
I won't even get into people who think saying "happy holidays" (i.e., holy days) instead of "Merry Christmas" equates a War on Christmas. Fighting the war against Christmas is a longstanding American tradition. Please pass the holy hand grenade.
Every year I get to hear twelve lords a leap’n explain that Christmas is a pagan holiday. They just made it Christian to get pagans to something-something, yeah no one cares. If pagan means present exchanging and trees and Santa then I am one gleeful pagan. Now please pass the pagan ham.
And don’t get me started on the atheists during Christmas. Getting a “Reason’s Greetings” from the Freedom from Religion people is the most passive aggressive way I have ever been insulted. How about a “happy December” instead. Or a “have a great week!” Nah, they just have to be condescendingly reasonier than thou during the holidays; it’s tradition.
Two equally annoying things happen during the holidays: Christians (born agains mainly) who somehow don’t know any better wish Jesus a happy birthday, when everyone else in the world knows he was not born in December (see that pagan thing above). At the same time every non-Christian from here to Red China feels the compulsion to explain that Jesus couldn’t be born in December. Thanks for the revelation, St. John. Now please pass the baby Jesus and let's have ourselves an inaccurate Nativity.
And one more thing. Every year I am told the joke about Darth Vader knowing what Luke got him for Christmas. That's not so bad actually; I do enjoy spoiling the punchline (did he feel his presents?).
Happy Holydays!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Four Year High School Reunion
So I graduated from high school in 2001. I don’t have to tell you that is over three years ago. So this past week I explained to a bunch of people that I had my high school reunion this weekend. I will take it as a compliment that most asked which one this was numerically (i.e., five vs. ten year). I couldn’t be however many years old I would be if it were my ten year (i.e., very many years old) so I replied that this was my four year high school reunion. “The fourth year really sneaks up on ya” is the phrase I wish I had used instead of just an awkward silence while they waited for a real answer.
It's not being old that bothers me; it's just that I am having my "four year" reunion and my greatest accomplishment since graduation is finally knowing when to use the words compliment and complement.
Anyway the actual reunion was fun and stuff, not at all like TV where the characters pretend to be a real winner, you know, somebody really successful and rich and awesome, only for their rediculous fraud to be revealed through hilarious means.
I didn’t “win” this reunion, but at least I showed up to compete. And it’s not how mediocre your life turned out to be compared to your classmates’ lives that counts; it’s how well you lie about being a doctor. In my case, not very well.
See you at the eight year reunion in 2021!
It's not being old that bothers me; it's just that I am having my "four year" reunion and my greatest accomplishment since graduation is finally knowing when to use the words compliment and complement.
Anyway the actual reunion was fun and stuff, not at all like TV where the characters pretend to be a real winner, you know, somebody really successful and rich and awesome, only for their rediculous fraud to be revealed through hilarious means.
I didn’t “win” this reunion, but at least I showed up to compete. And it’s not how mediocre your life turned out to be compared to your classmates’ lives that counts; it’s how well you lie about being a doctor. In my case, not very well.
See you at the eight year reunion in 2021!
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