Gold-Burning Stove

So I have been so busy bashing on annoying Christmas traditions this year, that I forgot to bash illogical or otherwise ridiculous Christmas song lyrics.

I heard a good one this morning (twice!). From the song “Do You Hear what I hear?”:

A child, a child shivering in the cold,
Let us bring him silver and gold

What! No that’s wrong. The correct answer is blanket. Not like you can really make a golden fleece. Or could you? Maybe they have a gold-burning stove, who knows, but I'd give that kid something at least soft and cuddly. Baby don't need bling!

Now I realize that gold rhymes better than blanket with cold, but how about "bring him a blanket that’s been rolled." Not as good sounding sure but we are talking life and death here. And they want to give a baby money? Who does that? Cold (literally cold) hard (literally hard) cash is the laziest of all gifts, especially when that baby really wants/needs heat.

Have a safe and warm, gold-filled Christmas! (And to a lesser extent silver).

X-Mas Traditions I Can Do Without

X-Mas is all about traditions. Most are fun nonsense like stockings and Santa. Some are all religiousy, if you’re into it. And some just annoying. Every year since I can remember there have been more than a few Yuletide traditions that I would love to put to rest. Here they are in increasing order of general annoyance:

Every Christmas Christians complain that there is too much mas and not enough Christ in Christmas. I blame Santa (Satan?) and cola guzzling polar bears. Yes, He is the reason for the season (sorta); we get it; can we open presents yet? These same people complain that stores are killing baby Jesus by using an X instead of Christ in X-Mas in their non-denominational store windows even though it totally means the exact same thing. Why do stores need to promote Christianity to sell their wares anyway? They're a place of business not worship, for X's sake. Excuse me for that last bit of blasphemy.

Speaking of X, every year I have to defend my use of X-Mas in lieu of Christmas by explaining numerous times that x is a Greek symbol for Christ or something like that (I forget, but no worries because I’ll be reminded all about it in the next week or so). Also it is way faster to type. And it has little to do with being a fan of the X-Men. Oh and Christmas is becoming too commercial they say, every year. Every year they say it. Every year since 1 AD. Fine, no presents for you. More for me.

I won't even get into people who think saying "happy holidays" (i.e., holy days) instead of "Merry Christmas" equates a War on Christmas. Fighting the war against Christmas is a longstanding American tradition. Please pass the holy hand grenade.

Every year I get to hear twelve lords a leap’n explain that Christmas is a pagan holiday. They just made it Christian to get pagans to something-something, yeah no one cares. If pagan means present exchanging and trees and Santa then I am one gleeful pagan. Now please pass the pagan ham.

And don’t get me started on the atheists during Christmas. Getting a “Reason’s Greetings” from the Freedom from Religion people is the most passive aggressive way I have ever been insulted. How about a “happy December” instead. Or a “have a great week!” Nah, they just have to be condescendingly reasonier than thou during the holidays; it’s tradition.

Two equally annoying things happen during the holidays: Christians (born agains mainly) who somehow don’t know any better wish Jesus a happy birthday, when everyone else in the world knows he was not born in December (see that pagan thing above). At the same time every non-Christian from here to Red China feels the compulsion to explain that Jesus couldn’t be born in December. Thanks for the revelation, St. John. Now please pass the baby Jesus and let's have ourselves an inaccurate Nativity.

And one more thing. Every year I am told the joke about Darth Vader knowing what Luke got him for Christmas. That's not so bad actually; I do enjoy spoiling the punchline (did he feel his presents?).

Happy Holydays!

Four Year High School Reunion

So I graduated from high school in 2001. I don’t have to tell you that is over three years ago. So this past week I explained to a bunch of people that I had my high school reunion this weekend. I will take it as a compliment that most asked which one this was numerically (i.e., five vs. ten year). I couldn’t be however many years old I would be if it were my ten year (i.e., very many years old) so I replied that this was my four year high school reunion. “The fourth year really sneaks up on ya” is the phrase I wish I had used instead of just an awkward silence while they waited for a real answer.

It's not being old that bothers me; it's just that I am having my "four year" reunion and my greatest accomplishment since graduation is finally knowing when to use the words compliment and complement.

Anyway the actual reunion was fun and stuff, not at all like TV where the characters pretend to be a real winner, you know, somebody really successful and rich and awesome, only for their rediculous fraud to be revealed through hilarious means.

I didn’t “win” this reunion, but at least I showed up to compete. And it’s not how mediocre your life turned out to be compared to your classmates’ lives that counts; it’s how well you lie about being a doctor. In my case, not very well.

See you at the eight year reunion in 2021!

Happy reBirthday Lincoln!

Happy Halloween! Oh wait that was forever ago. Well here is my costume anyway: Abraham Lincoln mummy. Yep enjoy. And don't bother pointing out that Lincoln wasn't Egyptian or that he wasn't fat. I am mostly aware of that.

And you're thinking it "doesn't" make any "sense," but it was either mummy Abe or slutty Abe. So it makes sense now doesn't it? Yeah, thought so.


Also, you probably can't see but I am holding an ancient tablet with hieroglyphics. Also it is printed on a iPad box (iPad = tablet, get it?). The fact that I have to explain my joke means it is a bad one.

My New Christmas Friends

Don't judge our fridge.

This is my first "Christmas" present of the year. And yes Rachel the fridge is the new permanent home to our new friends.

23 Halloween Uses for Microwave

So Rachel saw an article about 23 great uses for a microwave that you didn't know on a site ironically boasting time-saving tips for busy parents. Not busy enough to read about how you can both soften and melt butter. And since the microwave can be used to heat literally an infinite amount of things, why 23 items on this list? I guess busy parents don't have time for 24. I guess some people don't know this "gizmo" has been around for a long time now and they an require in-depth infomercial explanation of how amazing its millions of uses really are.

Rachel posted her own snarky list of 23 additional uses that you may enjoy here. In honor of Halloween this month here is my list of 23 uses for a microwave. So dust off the ol' microwave because you finally have a use (23 actually) for it.

1. Warming cold babies.
2. Cooking cold babies.
3. Softening a severed hand.
4. If you remove the door, you can use the microwave as a "self-defense" mechanism.
5. Racoon trap.
6. Candy wrapper melter.
7. Severed foot heater.
8. Kill the lice in your old vampire cape.
9. Heat up mummy wraps.
10. Heat up breakfast blood for a quick snack before vampire work.
11. Cooking raw brains (if your zombie is into that).
12. Eyeball soup.
13. Give yourself super powers.
14. Give yourself cancer.
15. Give yourself super cancer.
16. Give a baby super cancer.
17. Boil holy water for self-defense against fiends of the night.
18. Spider torture.
19. Exit this dimension.
20. Enter this dimension.
21. Merge your dog and cat into a super pet.
22. Make a jack-o-lantern explode.
23. Make Jack explode.

Nooooooooooooooooooo Clones

I know this topic has been talked to death, but I had an epiphany on my way to work today. I don’t if I am the first person to realize this or what because I have heard literally hours and hours of criticism of the Star Wars prequels and have yet to hear this point brought up. Such a huge plot hole and now it just seems so obvious.

So supposedly the whole point of the entire saga is to show Anakin’s rise and fall and redemption right? Yeah right but we’ll just go with that. And he goes over to the dark side to learn how to keep people from dying and to bring them back from the dead, specifically the one he loves. But in the Star Wars galaxy this ability already exists and not only does it not require years of diligent research, you don’t need the force at all, dark or light side. It is called cloning!

Clones are used in the first authorized trilogy after the movies were done. They were inserted into every movie. And don’t tell me Darth Vader is above cloning; two of the most popular games out right now involve him cloning some evil Jedi. You telling me it never occurred to him at any point to clone Padme? You think he is above the ethical dilemma there? He murders people for breakfast. He killed younglins because he thought it would somehow bring her back. We're talking a pretty desperate guy. It was like Annie couldn't see the forest for the clone army all around him, you know helping him kill the Jedi to save Padme or whatever.

And if you’re thinking, man these Star Wars movies have been talked into the ground, remember this. People are still arguing about Hamlet 400 years later, so I think Star Wars has a little extra mileage in it.

For your viewing pleasure.