Chistmas Present is Present

First am I the only one who gets a disturbing image in my head when I hear, "Jack Frost nipping at your nose"? Maybe if they didn't go through all the trouble of personifying Jack Frost I wouldn't picture a frigid little man chomping on someone's schnoz.

The Carpenters teach us that "Christmas past is past." So insightful! Tell us something we don't know. Let me guess, Christmas present is present and Christmas future is, I don't know, future maybe.

The radio station keeps advertising that it plays continuous Christmas music. Liars! Any editor who is worth their weight in salt knows that radio people really meant continually. Continuous means uninterrupted. Unless yakking about playing continuous music and commercials about whatever it is they're selling count as Christmas music, I think we have a class action law suit on our hands.

Speaking of commercials, the Honda commercial sings "Holiday, oh holiday, and the best one of the year." Ugh. If I had any gears you could consider them totally grinded (or grounded?). I know they are a foreign car manufacturer, but they can afford to pay a native speaker to show them how to use English conjunctions correctly.

I wish you a merry Christmas. So bring me some frigg'n pudding.

The Inverse of the Antonym of Anticlimactic

So this is the way college ends, not with a bang but a whimper. Well that's cool.

So this is graduation, and what I have I done?

Basically I am trained in mixing poetic allusion with personal essays like yesterday's blog.

I learned how to do research for the sake of arguing with people on Facebook.

I learned how to participate in discussions on literature; in other words, a degree in English = degree in book clubbing (more PC than seal clubbing).

I learned to bull chicken* anything about anything.

In other words I have obtained a degree useful for blogging. Yep, that is what I can do with my official credentials.

Also I learned how to write stuffily by inserting metadiscourse. Hence, therefore here will inserted the conclusive portion of my blog post as I have done so in like manner with my degree of English from Brigham Young University, the climax of which will be written in the voice of the passive variety, and thus ended is my blog such as the final semester at my chosen institutionalization of higher learning facility, being of the manner of non-hyper-climatic, being rather the inverse, or to say simply that it was of a length that was longer than necessary and somewhat of the characterization of anticlimactic.

 

*Psst, read yesterdays blog for explanation of bull chicken

A Blog Composed a Few Miles above the Provo Tabernacle

Two days have past; no summer days with the length
Of two long winter days! and again I hear
The music, alpine horns from their mountain-tabernacle

OK the reference to the romantic poetry from William Wordsworth is over. If you're not an English major, you're probably like what the chicken* is he talking about? Except you wouldn't be using cockney rhyming slang to ask it. The Provo Tabernacle was my second favorite building in Provo after the building that reminds me of the castle from Super Mario (and that is saying a lot, well it's saying something anyway). So the Provo Tabernacle burned "down" as you might have heard. It has had structural issues from the very get go. How many times is this place going to be condemned before someone actually dies from roof collapse?

But we can't just tear down the remains. That would be righteously lame. So very lame. As Senator Hatch said, "The Provo Tabernacle was about more than mere bricks and mortar; it was an enduring symbol of the city and of the faith and fortitude of those early Utah pioneers. Fire may have destroyed the building, but it will never tarnish their proud legacy." True but the way he talks, you would think he was delivering its eulogy.

So our option is to rebuild the structurally-unsound building that has been renovated multiple times due to condemnation, or remember it fondly in our hearts like a distant great aunt twice removed on our mother's side, who died of either consumption or some kind of chicken disease but you're too embarrassed to ask anyone at wake to make sure it's not a genetic epidemic. Still that won't stop you from diving head first into those funeral potatoes. Does somebody really need to die for potatoes to taste this good (silver lining)?

My point, believe it or not, is that we have a third option not involving either dangerous building code violations or delicious funeral potatoes. The city should just leave up what's left. Just leave it there. But there's no roof, you say. Yes thank goodness. A roof can't fall down if you ain't got one to drop. There is a really famous "abbey" in ye Olde England called Tintern Abbey that is basically just ruins (click on this link and look at every image). And it is so awesome. I look forward to the day I get to visit it. It has a few walls and that is basically it. And it is totally awesome. And people come from all over the world to see it. We should let nature take its course. The Provo Tabernacle will still have its brick and mortar (not the stuff that burns though: that's all gone) and nobody has to say goodbye to an old friend because it will still be there (sorta).

I really think it's about time Utah got into the habit of making some beautiful ruins of its own.

*chicken: coop: poop

Christmas Shakes and Flakes

More Chirstmas song observations. First Coke's Christmas commercial urges us to "shake, shake, shake up the happiness." I have tried that (usually not on purpose) and let me tell you, not a good idea. It ruins the happiness (AKA Coke) and you end up making a mess. Happiness goes in my mouth not all over my shirt and carpet. Happiness = Coke bee tee dubs; it's not meant to sound suggestive (if it sounds weird, talk to the good people at the Coca Cola Company).

On a different note (haha note get it), why can't anyone commit to being somewhere for Christmas?

"Please come home for Christmas. If not for Christmas by New Year's night." If not New Year's night, how about President's Day? MLK Day? Summer solstice? Please?

"Through the years, we'll all be together" . . ."If the fates allow. [emphasis added]" You're leaving this one up to the fates huh? Really going with the Greek mythology copout? I will make it home for Easter, unless I get held up by the Cyclops. I will be there for Thanksgiving, unless that darn Minotaur lobs my head off. More like Dionysus won't allow ya, you lush. I hope Zeus zaps your butt with a lithenining bolt on Valentine's Day.

"I'll be home for Christmas" [dot do dot] "if only in my heart." Is it that hard to secure your travel arrangements early? You just said "You can count on me"! So you demand mistletoe and snow and presents but you aren't even confident that you'll make it there at all in reality? Tell you what Bing, you put the mistletoe up your own (dot dot dot) heart. You can count on that (homeboy).

Stupid Younglings

[Note: this blog was written on October 17th but never published for some reason]

So Rachel asked me to write a blog today. Most of my blogs are embarrassing stories or complaints about this or that. Nothing embarrassing has happened yet today. I did beat Rachel at croquet three times in a row (she smells at croquet!). But I was just thinking about what a terribly negative person I am. Mostly I am aware of this fact from my wonderful family who rather ironically is always sure to remind me of this severe character fault.

I can blame my English professors, who taught me to think critically. I can also blame my editing professors for teaching me to find mistakes. I can blame my philosophy teachers for teaching me to be skeptical. Or my political science teachers for showing me the merits of anti-authoritarian attitudes.

But I came to college pre-negativitized.

I could have just been born this way.

Actually it probably stems from chemical reactions that make me think negatively (chemicals don't know nothing from nohow). My chemicals are all half empty!

Speaking of half emptiness—no discussion of negativity would be complete without the ol' cliché—some people look at a glass and say, "it's half full." Others say, "it's half empty." I look at a glass and say, "stupid glass, I hate you."

Maybe I am negative. But so what? Negativity has its positives. It can save lives.

Remember the first Death Star. That dude that Vader strangled had a very positive attitude about the ultimate power of the Death Star. He refused to see any flaw in it. Then look at what happened. Someone who was probably labeled a Negative Nancy by the Empire (someone who failed to see the bright side of absolute tyranny) found a weakness and exploited the begebus out of it. So take a lesson from Darth Vader (AKA Mr. Negative himself) and don't be too proud of your own technological marvel (this is a metaphor).

But don't be too negative either, like teenager Anakin because that's how younglings die. Stupid younglings.

Parking Lot Troll

I've had my share of terrible parking jobs but would you park here? (Looks occupodo).

Well this moron thought it was a great spot.

Did I mention the person was a moron? Looks like it is sticking out just a smidge. Luckily these parking lot lanes are wide enough for this sort of uncouth behavior.

And some 80-year-old cop on a bike road right by and didn't write out a ticket. What the fuzz? The worst part? There was open parking literally 40 feet further. What a lazy piece o' crap. So on my way back from class I wrote something like "Nice parking, moron!" Signed by the parking Nazi. That was mean, so I threw it away. But then I wrote this one instead:

Who know you could troll people outside of the Internet? What fun!

X-Mas 2: Holidays United

Still listening to and overanalyzing Christmas songs on my way to work. Here is part 2: the sequel to this other thing. Time to face unafraid the blog that I've made.

Happy Christmas (War is Over) (but not really): "So this is Christmas and what have you done? Another year over and a new one just begun." I realize it rhymes better than "So this is Christmas and what have you done? A new year is almost over and a new one will start in a week" but it would at least be true. And "War is over." No not really but it would be cool though if it weren't another Yoko lie.

The Twelve Days of Christmas: this song goes on for twelve days. I'm confused. Does this true love give the same stuff every day plus a bunch of new junk? So on the twelfth day does the singer receive their twelfth partridge in a pear tree? I don't even want to count up that stuff. That's a lot of redundant presents. And what is this poop about Lords a Leaping and Maids a Milking? How do you get somebody that as a gift? Sounds illegal. And whoever this true love is, they have some serious obsession issues with birds. I guess I could see one partridge in a pear tree, if you have room for a single bird and if you liked fresh pears (yuck). But three hens and seven swans and six geese and doves. Who wants an aviary for Christmas? And five golden rings? What is this true love the Lord of the Rings? That's too many gold rings for one Christmas. How about a few original gifts? Oh more birds and an exorbitant amount of identical jewelry. Gee thanks for the high jumping aristocracy; they will go so well with my bouncing barons from last year.

Alice in Winter Wonderland: "We'll face unafraid the plans that we've made, walking in a winter wonderland." Why would you be afraid of frolicking in the snow, sitting by the fire, making snowmen and the like? What conspiring deeds are they up to? Is there a dark side to this Winter Wonderland that we don't know about? They act like this is the Winter Wonderland directed by Tim Burton. Johnny Depp must play the whacky snowman impersonating a priest clown.

Please Come Home for Christmas a gain: Why, why, why, do people try and rhyme the word again like it sound like gain. So dumb! "There be no more sorrow/No grief and pain/And I'll be happy, happy, once again." Otherwise great song ruined. Bleckght humbug!

To Mr. T with Love

You might want to skip this one. It could be long and boring. Basically it is about a guy who hates BYU for no good reason and my response to that unwarranted hatering.

Original Facebook post by innocent J-Bones:

So
I spoke with an old lady today who was commenting on what I nice young man I
was. Then she said, "You are a young man, aren't you?" I replied, "Yes, I am
pretty young. I'm actually a student at the University of Utah." "Ohh... Well,
you don't lose your testimony, y'hear?" 100% sincere.

Comment by T: And because of comments like that, no one likes BYU!

Giggly Puff: T it's sad how your hatred for the entire university is based on a few comments that don't represent the school or the majority of its students. Max Hall did that once, and he made a fool of himself.

T: Giggly Puff, The only thing is, this is by FAR not the only time I have heard comments like this....

Besides: Independent means nobody likes you! Haha

Giggly Puff: That's why I said a few comments, not one. I've been at BYU for three years and have never met someone here who really feels that way. It's kinda like when you meet a bunch of Mormons who won't let their kids play with yours, so you think all Mormons are the same way.

Me: T, I didn't know the word "everyone" meant only U students. Better let Webster's know. Don't be so independent.

T: I can count at least 5 other schools that dislike BYU and would prefer to see them to lose in any situation to any opponent

Me: They teach you to count that high at the U huh? You must be in their Masters of Mathematics program.

T: I don't go to the U, buddy.......

That's the amount of research skills they teach you at BYU, huh? [Ouch. That's a good one. T straight up foolerized me. No sarcmark.]

Me: So you just hate BYU and wanted to share your prejudice with the world? I think you deserve an honorary D-gree for that.

Guess what the D stands for.

T: haha! I hate BYU!

Sorry, I think that was an understatement on my part.

My final response is too long for Facebook but here it is anyway for all to enjoy.

To T (the troll who out-trolled me),

You are right about two things. 1 I should do my research, which I have now done 2 I did assume you were a University of Utah student. But why did I make that assumption? Here is the result of the research you requested.

First J-Bones posted a status about a quaint old lady (maybe from Provo for all we know). Secondly she advises him not to lose his testimony at the U. Now, where does BYU come in? It doesn't at all. You brought it up by yelling (yes yelling) that everyone hates BYU because of what this old lady said (or what she represents).

Not losing your testimony is good advice for any Latter-day saint going to college, especially one known for having a "party" side. Any school, yes even BYU as unlikely as it is to face peer pressure of this sort, could be a challenge to a strong testimony.

But I can see why that advice can presume that the U is a bunch of smashed-up sexifying soothsayers. So I agree it was probably not cool to say what she said (but funny). Still, what does that have to do with BYU? Does said old lady represent BYU? Is she BYU? No but you treat her words as if they come from BYU. What a splendid opportunity to spread your hatred against what you have previously derogatorily called "The Lord's University." I wonder do you have such disdain for "The Lord's Magazine" or "the Lord's Shopping Mall and Radio Station"? I would be careful about mocking the Lord's anything. Don't lose your testimony by hating the Lord's tithing-funded institutions.

Now by attributing the old gal's advice to BYU through your implication, you are inserting yourself in the middle of a made-up (by you) BYU/Utah rivalry thing. Now why would you do that if you don't go to the U? Well you obviously have a chip on your shoulder about something. Let's examine that closer.

Are we to believe that you just happen to hate BYU on behalf of the University of Utah? I'm not buying that. There must be a logical reason why you would have such strong feelings in something that shouldn't involve you at all.

My theory is that you have some sort of envy. Maybe you have Cougar Envy because you didn't have the grades to get into the Y. That would explain the uncharacteristic Utah State contempt toward Cougar Town (I have never experienced any anti-BYU scorn from Utah State before) though you have found a way to project your feelings onto your entire school.

Maybe you have Utah envy. Utah is a great school on par with BYU and if you couldn't make it in there, maybe you thought you would still participate in the BYU/Utah rivalry as if you did get in.

So you go to Utah State. It's not a bad school and I don't see anything wrong with going there. Still it's an easy target and you asked for it so I am going to smash your glass house. BYU and Utah are better schools than Utah State. Period. But cheer up buckaroo, you're still getting a solid education from a good school.

You might just have rivalry envy. BYU and Utah have each other. I think you really want to have a rivalry with someone too. Rivalries are fun and give you someone to razz. You NEED a rivalry. So you interject yourself into one with BYU. You won the Old Wagon Wheel for the first time in like what, 10 years. Doesn't that make you happy? Probably not because no one at BYU cares about any rivalry with Utah State, even if they know one is supposed to exist. From your Facebook note where you urge all of Utah State to chant "cowards!" at the BYU basketball team because the coach didn't take Utah State seriously enough for you, it sounds like you're just butt hurt and bitter. I guess this blog won't help and nothing is going cure that sore bottom of yours. But prayer. Prayer could help you learn to love.

Incidentally if you hate any school, as an Aggie I would expect it to be the University of Utah since they had previously purposefully stifled USU's expansion beyond agricultural study.

Also I know what your response will be. You'll call me condescending for pointing out that Utah State is not on the same level with Brigham Young and the U (not that it really matters since it will be soon at the rate it is improving), but you are still required to love everyone to get into heaven. We can wait as long as it takes.

-Me

P.S.

Dear Utah State,

I still love you and sorry for calling you inferior. Hugs.

Recipe for the Antonym of Disaster

So for my team potluck this week that I was inspecting, I signed up to bring diced onions. I was assured by the logistical communications person (let's call her Margarita to protect her identity) that three onions not one nor two was enough. Three was enough. Enough times 10. So yeah the top on one of the onion containers wasn't on straight and everything had onion juices on it all day including my desk, the car, and our oniony smelling home.

Oh and I had a bijillion left over onion dices. They were onion stanking up our fridge and something had to be done. We couldn't give them away (I tried that). I couldn't sell them (not allowed on eBay). I couldn't throw them away (not with all those starving Chinese). I had to cook them.

So I invented a new recipe that called for lots 'o onions. I call it Jonathan J's Surprisingly Delicious Twice-Cooked-Onion Chicken, or Onion Chicken for short. Anyway I couldn't believe how amazing it tasted. It was so freaking good!

Here is the recipe as I recall (some of these things might not be necessary).

2-4 boneless skinless chicken breasts

1 cup diced onion

Itty bitty amount of:

Lemon juice

Salt and pepper

Distilled white vinegar

Italian seasoning

 

Preheat oven 375 degrees. Dice up onions. Cook them in a frying pan while adding salt and pepper, vinegar, lemon juice, and Italian seasoning. Once the onion stink is gone, smear most of the onion cookings in the bottom of a glass pan. Place the chicken pieces on top. Drop the rest of the onion mix on top with juice over the chicken for moistness sake. Place in the over for 1 hour. Then eat. Yum.