The Opposite of Advertising

So I noticed this ad on Gmail the other day:



My first reaction was "Oh boy [sarc mark]. Just what I always wanted!"

But then I realized that the ads on Hotmail are so very bad. They make no sense. they are insulting and stupid. Some on Facebook are the same. Here are a few that I noticed recently and captured like an injured Pokemon.



The above ad is a little sexist or something. I am not sure I'd like to be present for that pitch meeting. "Sexy superhero goes back to get her education!" Then someone shouts, "Oh and she bounces up and down!" That went without saying. Then the next meeting someone came up with a new idea to trump that with "Sexy superhero goes back to school, but she has the head of and old dude or something." Pictured below: WHY!?

Also he looks pissed to be graduating in that body. Speaking of pissed. Look at this cop who also, BTW, was bouncing up and down. Usually angry people don't bounce.

You don't know how much I pay . . .officer.

This last one is from Facebook. I copied it because it makes no freaking sense and it has bad grammar: who makes a fifty word ad without at least proofreading the copy! And why does it look like the Batplane?

These weren't even the worst. They were just dumb one I noticed recently. What is the opposite of advertising, you know where your goal is to scare away any potential customers?

De Moded

This is a story about the one time I was really excited and positive about something. Ever. So I recently started an MBA program from Western Governors University (WGU). FYI this school is awesome and you don’t even know OK! Sorry, I had to get my defensiveness out of the way early. So anyway, this school is pretty cool. Whatevs. So I got my results back from my first assessment that I have been waiting for. If you don’t know what an assessment is, it’s basically a test. Anyway so they provide comments on the results. There are several sections but you have to pass them all (and it’s open book so no big deal). FYI I totally passed. So here is the comments I found waiting for me this morning: Great job on this task! All aspects of the task are acceptable; the task is complete. Keep up the great work! Sweeeet. So I am awesome and stuff. Possibly the smartest person alive. So in hubris, I read the comment aloud to my coworkers and post this feedback verbatim on Facespace. Then someone replies with: Where are you getting your mba. Seems like a computer generated response. Moded! Dang. Too ashamed to admit WGU is an online unie, I reply with “you reply is computer generated.” That’ll show ‘em. So it turns out I suck and everything I stand for is lame. I was about three seconds away from emailing the evaluator department to investigate. What is this is just the same old crap they say to everyone automatically who passes? I don’t need to investigate. My heart tells me it is. Why wouldn’t they have a prewritten comment saying “’atta boy. Keep on trucking!”? I would. Who has time to write great job to everyone who passes? So I suck. No more positivity from me ever. From now on I’ll stick to handing out the moded not receiving them.

A Message for the Kids

So I stumbled across this cute little fellow on my Pokedex. Actually why the heck do they have a Pokedex? It is like an iPhone that does only one thing. That is as dumb as an iPhone that only shows books (oh wait they make those: Nook and whatnot). Anyway look at this little guy. He is smiling and having a great time. Smoking up a storm. He is young and living his life. As you can see from his skull and crossbones tat, he is a rebellious teen. Puff puff pass. Look at his eyes, looking upward to a bright future. But then we see what happens when Koffing matures, "evolves," and turns into Weezing. Looks like he has a couple kids in tow, one with a neat circle, whatever that is supposed to mean. Notice how unhappy Weezing is compared to Koffing. His sullen eyes. His small lazy puffs. He's just going through the motions. The kid doesn't look too keen on that second-hand smoke either. Might as well get used to it. It won't be long until he starts first handing anyway. Smoke up, Johnny!

Message for kids: smoking is fun when you're a coughing teen, but when you grow up and start wheezing up blood and your skull tattoo is wrinkling, life is not the bag of oysters it once was. Don't smoke or something.

El Scorcho

So I was working from home today. And I decided to cook up a steak for lunch. But it was taking so long and I was so, so hungry. So I decided to speed up the grilling process by adding a tad extra lighter fluid to the charcoal briquettes. They kept going out and I wanted to use what is called the direct method of barbequing (that is it uses fire instead of lame slowpoke ashes). I squeezed out a smidge extra lighter fluid and lit it. BOOM! The fireball was huge. The massive smoke made me tear up a little but I was fine, though a little shocked by the huge fire. And I had to use a broom to push the flaming rack back into the grill. When my meat was finished I enjoyed it thoroughly. Then I got the feeling that I had a ton of dried A1 sauce on my beard. When I went to wash it out, I discovered the horrible truth. It wasn’t dried steak sauce. The left side of my face was all covered in orangey hairs. They even flew up into my head. Basically I burned those suckers up. Apparently I had used the direct method to cook my face. I didn’t think to take a picture and I washed most of the burnt stuff out and you can barely see the remaining crispers. I can still smell BBQ on my left cheek. The end.

Superstupidglue

So our crappy crapper broke this past weekend. And Rachel tried helping me fix it. This required the use of the most hilarious/aggravating substance known to man: superglue. So the stupid regular cap on the stupidglue was superglued shut so we had to use the wide part, the part that gushes out. Anyway so Rachel superglued her thumb and pointy finger to some piece of plastic on the toilet flushing mechanism. She was stuck there while I ran to the store to get superglue’s kryptonite: nail polish remover. Oh and I updated my Facebook status to “Rachel is superglued to the toilet.” I should have mentioned it was literal: not like she had diarrhea, which some people might have thought. Superglue is dumb and I hate it, except when funniness ensues.

Anyway here are the pictures:

The Mutant Leftovers that Almost Ate Me

I forgot my “empty” container of cottage cheese and pineapple at my work desk. When I returned four days later, it had grown a face, like a thick membrane scientist call skin. I think it winked at me. So to avoid making my resident pregnant coworker throw up when she came in, I swiftly hobbled to the kitchen (I was using a cane) to wash it out of existence. I think it was crying when I washed it down the disposal. Then the drain clogged and it came up in the other sink’s drain. It was the cottage cheese/pineapple hybrid of unstoppable death! This time the face looked angry: it was out for revenge. But I drowned it out with about a gallon of liquid soap. The end.

Back to the Prison

I just had a Back to the Future epiphany; Biff should probably be in jail or worse. Am I the only person on the planet who thinks this guy got off easy? He tried to run Marty over when Marty invented the skateboard (ramming him into a manure truck would probably kill a skateboarder without a helmet and knee pads). He basically tried to rape Marty’s mom for crepe’s sake. Then he murders George in an alternate timeline and attempts to murder Marty (and would murder the crazy wild-eyed scientist too).

After George’s life altering punch, you think Biff learned his lesson? H no. He tries to kill Marty again while Marty is stealing the Sports Almanac out of the car.

Then George let’s this manure head into his home and allows him to wax his cars “Oh Biff, always trying to pull something. First he tries raping my beloved, now he is trying to con me on this car wash. Ha ha, good times.” Even when it’s apparent that he is trying to swindle him! If somebody tried manhandling Rachel at the prom, do you think I would pay him to wax my anything?

And that is the most unbelievable part of the Back to the Future series.

Oh and why would they still live in the same house even though he is rich and prosperous? I assume they just always wanted to live in that exact house (except when George is killed and black people move in when the property value goes down).