A Message for the Kids

So I stumbled across this cute little fellow on my Pokedex. Actually why the heck do they have a Pokedex? It is like an iPhone that does only one thing. That is as dumb as an iPhone that only shows books (oh wait they make those: Nook and whatnot). Anyway look at this little guy. He is smiling and having a great time. Smoking up a storm. He is young and living his life. As you can see from his skull and crossbones tat, he is a rebellious teen. Puff puff pass. Look at his eyes, looking upward to a bright future. But then we see what happens when Koffing matures, "evolves," and turns into Weezing. Looks like he has a couple kids in tow, one with a neat circle, whatever that is supposed to mean. Notice how unhappy Weezing is compared to Koffing. His sullen eyes. His small lazy puffs. He's just going through the motions. The kid doesn't look too keen on that second-hand smoke either. Might as well get used to it. It won't be long until he starts first handing anyway. Smoke up, Johnny!

Message for kids: smoking is fun when you're a coughing teen, but when you grow up and start wheezing up blood and your skull tattoo is wrinkling, life is not the bag of oysters it once was. Don't smoke or something.

El Scorcho

So I was working from home today. And I decided to cook up a steak for lunch. But it was taking so long and I was so, so hungry. So I decided to speed up the grilling process by adding a tad extra lighter fluid to the charcoal briquettes. They kept going out and I wanted to use what is called the direct method of barbequing (that is it uses fire instead of lame slowpoke ashes). I squeezed out a smidge extra lighter fluid and lit it. BOOM! The fireball was huge. The massive smoke made me tear up a little but I was fine, though a little shocked by the huge fire. And I had to use a broom to push the flaming rack back into the grill. When my meat was finished I enjoyed it thoroughly. Then I got the feeling that I had a ton of dried A1 sauce on my beard. When I went to wash it out, I discovered the horrible truth. It wasn’t dried steak sauce. The left side of my face was all covered in orangey hairs. They even flew up into my head. Basically I burned those suckers up. Apparently I had used the direct method to cook my face. I didn’t think to take a picture and I washed most of the burnt stuff out and you can barely see the remaining crispers. I can still smell BBQ on my left cheek. The end.

Superstupidglue

So our crappy crapper broke this past weekend. And Rachel tried helping me fix it. This required the use of the most hilarious/aggravating substance known to man: superglue. So the stupid regular cap on the stupidglue was superglued shut so we had to use the wide part, the part that gushes out. Anyway so Rachel superglued her thumb and pointy finger to some piece of plastic on the toilet flushing mechanism. She was stuck there while I ran to the store to get superglue’s kryptonite: nail polish remover. Oh and I updated my Facebook status to “Rachel is superglued to the toilet.” I should have mentioned it was literal: not like she had diarrhea, which some people might have thought. Superglue is dumb and I hate it, except when funniness ensues.

Anyway here are the pictures:

The Mutant Leftovers that Almost Ate Me

I forgot my “empty” container of cottage cheese and pineapple at my work desk. When I returned four days later, it had grown a face, like a thick membrane scientist call skin. I think it winked at me. So to avoid making my resident pregnant coworker throw up when she came in, I swiftly hobbled to the kitchen (I was using a cane) to wash it out of existence. I think it was crying when I washed it down the disposal. Then the drain clogged and it came up in the other sink’s drain. It was the cottage cheese/pineapple hybrid of unstoppable death! This time the face looked angry: it was out for revenge. But I drowned it out with about a gallon of liquid soap. The end.

Back to the Prison

I just had a Back to the Future epiphany; Biff should probably be in jail or worse. Am I the only person on the planet who thinks this guy got off easy? He tried to run Marty over when Marty invented the skateboard (ramming him into a manure truck would probably kill a skateboarder without a helmet and knee pads). He basically tried to rape Marty’s mom for crepe’s sake. Then he murders George in an alternate timeline and attempts to murder Marty (and would murder the crazy wild-eyed scientist too).

After George’s life altering punch, you think Biff learned his lesson? H no. He tries to kill Marty again while Marty is stealing the Sports Almanac out of the car.

Then George let’s this manure head into his home and allows him to wax his cars “Oh Biff, always trying to pull something. First he tries raping my beloved, now he is trying to con me on this car wash. Ha ha, good times.” Even when it’s apparent that he is trying to swindle him! If somebody tried manhandling Rachel at the prom, do you think I would pay him to wax my anything?

And that is the most unbelievable part of the Back to the Future series.

Oh and why would they still live in the same house even though he is rich and prosperous? I assume they just always wanted to live in that exact house (except when George is killed and black people move in when the property value goes down).

My Sign is Shut Up

So apparently the pseudoscience of astrology I guess decided to update their shiz because it is off by a month, or a scientist just pointed out that they needed to? And astrologers responded by pretending that they already knew everything about astronomy. I don't know if there are enough curse words in the language and a half I to competently express the response I feel to this whole situation.

Oh and I guess there is a whole new sign that may or may not have been left out of this whole thing called Ophiuchus (finally disproving any validity that Battlestar Galactic is a documentary). I missed being moved from Sagittarius to Morpheus by one day. That was a close call. Otherwise I would have to choose a whole bunch of other nonsense to believe about myself.

Here are your new daily horror-scopes. Just go ahead and reread the same one every day for the rest of your life [hint: changing doesn't make any difference at all].

Capricorn: Sometimes you will have fun with and other times you get perplexed by and even annoyed with horoscopes. You are sometimes happy and sometimes sad, but you always fall asleep eventually.

Aquarius: Sometimes you will have fun with and other times you get perplexed by and even annoyed with horoscopes. You are sometimes happy and sometimes sad, but you always fall asleep eventually.

Pisces: Sometimes you will have fun with and other times you get perplexed by and even annoyed with horoscopes. You are sometimes happy and sometimes sad, but you always fall asleep eventually.

Aries: Sometimes you will have fun with and other times you get perplexed by and even annoyed with horoscopes. You are sometimes happy and sometimes sad, but you always fall asleep eventually.

Taurus: Sometimes you will have fun with and other times you get perplexed by and even annoyed with horoscopes. You are sometimes happy and sometimes sad, but you always fall asleep eventually.

Gemini: Sometimes you will have fun with and other times you get perplexed by and even annoyed with horoscopes. You are sometimes happy and sometimes sad, but you always fall asleep eventually.

Cancer: Sometimes you will have fun with and other times you get perplexed by and even annoyed with horoscopes. You are sometimes happy and sometimes sad, but you always fall asleep eventually.

Leo: Sometimes you will have fun with and other times you get perplexed by and even annoyed with horoscopes. You are sometimes happy and sometimes sad, but you always fall asleep eventually.

Virgo: Sometimes you will have fun with and other times you get perplexed by and even annoyed with horoscopes. You are sometimes happy and sometimes sad, but you always fall asleep eventually.

Libra: Sometimes you will have fun with and other times you get perplexed by and even annoyed with horoscopes. You are sometimes happy and sometimes sad, but you always fall asleep eventually.

Scorpio: Sometimes you will have fun with and other times you get perplexed by and even annoyed with horoscopes. You are sometimes happy and sometimes sad, but you always fall asleep eventually.

Sagittarius: Sometimes you will have fun with and other times you get perplexed by and even annoyed with horoscopes. You are sometimes happy and sometimes sad, but you always fall asleep eventually.

Actually maybe you should just write your own horoscope. Think about how accurate that would be.

What's my sign? My sign is shut your facehole.

Happy New Bloggy!

I was gonna post a pic of our car wreck from last week's run in (literally) with a van, but that might make Rachel feel bad (AKA worse) so I'm writing a new year's blog.

Happy new thingy! New year, new blog. Lil' late though. I feel hung over, and all I did last night was watch Community until my head hurt. My new year's resolution this year is to something about not waking up feeling poopy.

Anyway, so blog, blog, blog, yackity bloggy. Man I don't know what to blog here.

Also last night was the first night since we got married that Rachie and I were not together. Because of the aforementioned run in, I had to stay in Murray while she stayed in Provo for the night 'cause ye olde car shoppe has our automobile. Incidentally (ha dentally) they lost our car for half a day, but no worries because what was once lost now is blind.